Direct Answers – Lingering Doubts, The Right Pair

Lingering Doubts

I've been dating the most amazing man for nearly two years. He makes me happier than I ever thought possible. I have two kids by my ex-husband,  and my current boyfriend makes me question if I ever loved anyone before. I cannot picture life without this man.

We've talked casually about marriage in the past, but nothing serious.  The tone changed, though, in recent weeks. I think he is going to pop the question soon. I brushed off the conversation that gave me that feeling, thinking he was trying to gauge my response.

I'm not sure how to respond if he asks. That's where I'd like some insight. Had I never married my narcissistic ex, who still is in my life because of the kids, I'd say yes in a heartbeat. There would be no doubt.

I was never a romantic or believed in the term soul mate until I met mine. But because I married who I married, I cannot trust myself to make the correct decision. My ex was a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Do I go with my gut answer of "Yes! A million times!" Or do I listen to my brain, tell myself fairy tales don't exist and keep to my original divorcee vow never to make the mistake of marriage again?

~ Amelie

Amelie, you already tried one fairytale. You thought you could kiss a frog and turn him into a prince. There is no reason to believe kissing your prince will turn him into a frog.

We couldn't do anything in life if we had to be 100 percent sure of the results beforehand. Nobody would get anything done. We'd all be stuck at four-way stop signs afraid someone might pull out in front of us.

This man has had two years to show you who he is. That's time enough. He is who he is. Your ex doesn't get to convict your boyfriend, and you haven't given us a single scrap of evidence for the prosecution to work with.

Your divorcee vow was not a rational thing, but more like an impulsive New Year's resolution. Besides, you broke your own vow by dating.

Are you absolutely in love with this man? That's the only question to answer. Heads are great at making excuses but only hearts know what you feel.

~ Wayne & Tamara

The Right Pair

My girlfriend and I broke up a week ago. She claimed she was unhappy with herself and didn't want to drag me down while she tried to find happiness within. She also said she wasn't saying it's over for good, but she thinks the breakup may help her break down the wall she has from past relationships.

She is the first woman I have dated with a child, a child who after four months has grown on me. Her daughter even called me dad.

We have many shared interests and a healthy amount of opposing interests.  I did all I could to show I cared. I drove 20 miles to her house four or five times a week. I had to get up an hour early for work when I was there.

Is her excuse legitimate, or is there more she isn't telling?

~ Liam

Liam, she gave you the "it isn't you, it's me" speech. It doesn't matter why you don't fit together. She feels you don't fit together and what she feels is her reality.

The only thing she did wrong was to suggest there will be a future. Some women do that because they think it is an easier way to let a man down. But four months is a good test run. At four months you both should be feeling it, and she isn't.

You don't feel bad about the boots that don't fit. You keep looking for the ones that do. For someone else you can be perfect. For her, you are not.

Wayne & Tamara

Column for the week of November 30, 2015

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