Your Fair Share
Hopefully you can help me because I don't know where else to turn. I have been with my boyfriend two years. I am madly in love. He meets all my emotional needs and that is no easy task.
We've spoken of marriage and decided we want to be with each other for the rest of our lives.
Six months ago he lost his job and I've supported us ever since. I do not make a lot of money, just barely enough to pay all our bills. Most of our food and gas goes on a credit card. Since we moved in together, I've accrued about $3,000 of debt on top of what I already owe.
Also, he has three sons in a different city he can hardly support, not to mention, if we get engaged, I would have to buy my own ring.
What if he eventually gets another job and someday we own a house, can I depend on him to make sure we make the mortgage every month? Pretty much what I'm confused on is, do I move on, or do I give in to my emotions and stay with him just because I love him?
Dana, if you loved each other, you wouldn't see this as incurring debt. You would feel "we are working through a problem together."
But what do you feel? I am not his wife, yet I pay his bills and incur his debts. As a thousand dollars became two and the two became three, your panic grew. As your panic grew, so did your fear. You fear he has no legal responsibility to pay you back.
If he got a job six months from now, when you are $10,000 in debt, he might escape the debt simply by breaking up with you. He has three sons. At best you are fourth in line in his financial priorities.
He's in the lifeboat and you are in the water drowning. He is leaning on you and crushing you. When you get to the point where you feel unsafe with someone, it is not love anymore. You don't feel loved, cared for or protected. It doesn't matter what he says, this is how you feel.
Talk to him. Let him know you are going to stop paying his bills. Let him feel the pressure of his own circumstances.
Leaving him would be like retiring a bad investment.
~ Wayne & Tamara
I dated the love of my life for a good two years, but there were problems with him cheating. He now tells me he has someone else. The problem is he still owes me money and claims he will pay me back.
I find it hard to believe him since I've moved and he hasn't asked for my new address. Plus he is ignoring me. Should I give him a chance to get back with me, or bite the bullet and take him to small claims court? It's bad enough he has broken my heart, let alone that he owes me money.
Another thing, I don't know if he was using me for my money or if he really cared for me at all!
Lena, your message to him is: be my boyfriend or pay me money. That's what your relationship amounts to.
But unless the amount of money is substantial and your case is strong, forget about small claims court. All that will do is further entangle you with him.
The best thing to do is eliminate all contact. Money aside, he used you. He's a cheater. Why think a cheater has more feelings for you than for any of the other women he cheated with? Don't you think those women wonder the same thing?
Take this as a life lesson. Mix money, love and cheating, and love is always the loser.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Column for the week of February 15, 2016
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