I’m a girl, 17, and I have known this guy my whole life. The boy I’m talking about is dealing with a lot right now. Four months ago his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and recently started treatment.
We were church friends until last summer when we worked at camp together. As you can guess, I developed feelings for him. We suspected it would happen, but I never made my feelings clear because he told me he didn’t want that and I didn’t want to get hurt.
The more I kept it a secret the more hurt I got, especially since one of my best friends was becoming close to him.
I was so stressed, after five months I told him the truth. He told me he knew. I was hurt he didn’t confront me about it because I thought we had more trust than that.
He doesn’t believe this is a big deal and doesn’t appreciate that I put him in this position because he already made it clear he doesn’t like me that way. I was so hurt and confused I didn’t attend church for two months.
Recently I started going back, and he’s noticed I don’t look him in the eye. Since my return, we’ve had numerous texting conversations. In the first I apologized for everything. The rest were to see how he was or him texting me stupid questions. Who did you sit with at the hockey game? Are you having people over this weekend?
Once, after I yet again apologized, he freaked out and said he was tired of me making him feel guilty and trying to change his feelings.
But I’m still hurt he doesn’t like me, isn’t too concerned about being friends again and is so close with my best friend. I’m trying desperately to fix this and he doesn’t even care.
Now I don’t want to make him out to be a bad guy, after all he’s got a lot on his plate right now, even if that’s no excuse.
You may say I need to let it all go. And in most cases you’re right, but this is someone I have to see once or twice a week. We have a lot of friends in common. I can’t just shut him out or act like it’s no big deal.
I can tell whenever it’s brought up, it causes him grief, and he doesn’t want to discuss it further. How do I fix this?
Hanna, a few days ago Tamara showed me a YouTube video of horses clustered on a grassy hilltop in the mountains.
A mountain biker, a grown man, brazenly moves toward one horse, who seems to be standing guard over the others. This horse doesn't care for the man’s advance. As the man draws nearer, it swishes its tail back and forth. Yet the man doesn’t break stride, even when the horse puts its ears flat against its head.
As the horse goes stiff-legged, its entire body rigid, the man walks closer and holds out his hand to touch the horse’s muzzle. In a flash the horse bites the man's arm, breaking the flesh but not the bone. The man retreats in pain.
Three times the horse signaled Do Not Advance. Three times the man ignored him. Does this situation sound familiar?
This boy wants you as a friend. He thinks despite your feelings, you will stop coming on to him. He wants things to be the way they should be once someone tells another no.
And somehow you think he is the inconsiderate one.
A bad guy would trifle with you and take advantage of your crush. Be glad he isn't that kind of guy.
Be patient. Someday you’ll find a man who shares your feelings, a man who won’t put his ears back at your advance.
Column for the week of April 20, 2015
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