In Silent Service
I started seeing this guy eight months ago. Despite numerous arguments we care for each other deeply. He has become my best friend. He's 100 percent reliable and always listens to what I say.
His bad points are he is impatient, moody and has high expectations of me. If I disappoint him, he becomes irate and broods in silence, but he never screams at me or unloads his anger.
We are going out in private for a number of reasons. We come from the same ethnic community. Once we publicly expose our relationship, it will become much more serious. I know we aren't ready for this. Also, one of his friends pursued me for two years.
Nothing beyond friendship eventuated, but my boyfriend carries enormous guilt over this. He feels he betrayed his friend, yet he can't let go of me. He broke up with me a month ago because I chucked one too many tantrums. He said he couldn't handle it anymore. I accepted the breakup though I was a mess.
Two days later he sent me two dozen roses for my birthday and he calls every couple of days to see how I am. Recently he started asking me out as friends. We went out a couple of times and nothing happened. But last night we went to a movie and afterwards ended up kissing passionately.
It was the most romantic moment. I almost cried. He held me and it made me feel so special, but I don't know where we stand now. He's not the type to talk about his feelings and he never officially asked me to be his girlfriend in the first place.
He likes to let things just happen. I don't know if we are back together or if it was a moment of weakness for him. I don't want to confront him, but I know I have to if I want answers.
I am sick of these guessing games. Does it sound like he regrets breaking up, or is it more?
Demi, sailors on submarines often suffer from "submarine myopia," the inability to focus clearly on distant objects. Since all the objects in their environment are so close, they lose the ability to see things in perspective.
The same thing happens to people in relationships.
Your boyfriend is sly. You didn't know what your relationship was before you broke up. You still don't know. Your boyfriend is coy. Saying he feels guilty for dating a woman his friend dated is a subtle way to say, don’t you feel bad you were with him and now you are with me?
These are control factors. So is dating you in secret. You never date a man in secret. Secret means it is wrong. If someone you cared about was seeing this man, you would tell her this isn't right. Oh, we forgot. If she was dating him, you wouldn't know about it because it is a secret.
If you don't confront him, nothing will be clear to you. That's why you need to have it out with him. So what are we now? That's what to ask.
We don't understand why, in dating, so many women lose any sense of self-respect and self-esteem. When you date the wrong person, you give those two up. When you date the right person, not only do you get to keep them, they are enhanced.
You've been in this submarine too long. Not only have you lost your distance vision, you can't hear the sound of water rushing past the hatches.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Column for the week of June 20, 2016
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