Direct Answers – Chutzpah

Chutzpah

Four months ago I met my date through an online dating service. We are both divorced, in our mid-40s, with grown children in another country. On our fifth date I stayed overnight and after that, for the next three months, I stayed regularly on a Friday or Saturday night.

While I was there with him, he would get a phone call from his ex-girlfriend. When I questioned him about their relationship, he told me it ended over a year ago.

Five weeks into our relationship he had an accident and needed an operation on his right hand. He called me at work and said he needed my help as he couldn’t function properly with one arm. For the next four days I went after work to bathe, cook, wash and clean for him. I thought we were getting along fine.

So, after four months of dating, I asked, “How much do you like me?” His answer was, “Six out of 10.” I was shocked. My next question was, “Are you seeing anybody else? Am I your girlfriend?” His answer was, “I am not seeing anybody else, and you are a special friend, not a girlfriend.”

I was very hurt.

We made plans to be together on the night before a recent holiday. I waited until 5 p.m. before calling to remind him. He said he wanted to make it an early night because he had to work the next morning. My heart broke. I did not believe him. I told him I thought he didn’t want me to stay over because he had other plans.

When he dropped me off at 9 p.m., I cried. He was quiet and just drove away. I did not hear from him the next day or the day after.

I left some clothes and personal items at his apartment, and I know he will call me about them. Should I see him again or give up completely?

~ Alexis

Alexis, one way to explain his behavior is that, when he met you, he wasn’t ready to date. Even though the breakup was over a year ago, he was still under the spell of his ex. If that’s the case, the breakup was an open wound that never healed.

That’s the most charitable explanation of his behavior.

When he got hurt, you were the only person he could call for help. You thought this brought you closer together. You thought it made him appreciate you. But he had no other choice. To this day he isn’t embarrassed about using you. There is a shamelessness and an audacity about that, when he should be chagrined.

If he hadn’t been in an accident, your relationship might have ended earlier, as you figured out his true feelings, or rather lack thereof. But at least now you know.

What physical items could possibly be worth more contact with this man? His ingratitude is colossal. If you need the items you left at his apartment, send someone to fetch them. If you don’t need them, text him to throw your stuff away and not contact you again.

There is only one thing we could say about this man that is slightly positive. When he dropped you off at home, at least he stopped the car.

~ Wayne & Tamara

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Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara – Column for the week of July 17, 2017

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