Direct Answers – An Idealist, Run Faster

An Idealist

I met an amazing girl. We are seniors in high school. She is very loyal and loving, and all our values line up. The only problem is she did something in her past that violates both our values. She had sex with an old boyfriend.

It's been driving me crazy because I occasionally see this guy. When she broke up with him, I guess he told everyone everything that happened, so she has a bad reputation at her school. I really love this girl, but her past is haunting both of us.

How do I get past this?

~ Marty

Marty, Tamara says she is neither an optimist nor a pessimist. She is a realist. The glass is not half full. The glass is not half empty. It is simply half a glass of water. That's all.

How do you get past this? You don't. It doesn't matter if you were actually betrayed. You feel as if you were. Your feelings of betrayal and jealousy outweigh your feelings of love.

Often when people write us they want us to give them a magic bullet or a magic bean. There is no magic bean. A realist would say you can't get past an inborn biological reaction. A realist would say high school doesn't last forever. A realist would say next year this girl will have the chance to escape her past.

~ Wayne

Run Faster

I love your raw direct style. My boyfriend is divorced with two daughters. He chased me a year, then we immediately lived together.

I am never married. I left my old and sick parents, my work and my house to live with him. I needed attention and this was not good for him.

We had many challenges. Within a month his father died, my mother died and his daughter from a previous marriage tried suicide. He got custody, so this hurt teen came to live with us but it didn't go well.

I should admit the shadow of him leaving was always on our relationship. After two years of incredible joys and huge drama he decided to leave. The last thing he said was: I love you.

After four months and almost no contact, he declared his love for me again and I thought the dream was coming true. It lasted only months before he started doubting again. Now unless I look for him he simply vanishes, though he is always ready to chat, see me and make love if I initiate contact.

That keeps me hoping that if I trust, things one day will change. I love him.

~ Lillian

Lillian, if he came back, it would not be because he loved you. It would be because he couldn't find anyone better. That's hard for us to say and hard for you to accept. But when someone breaks up with you because they are not sure you are the one, that’s what they think.

Love is not gamesmanship. Nor is it a trick, a compromise, a ploy or a tease.

He chased you. What do we normally hear from the one chased? "He (or she) chased me until I was worn down.” Coming around for sex when you contact him should not give you hope. It should tell you who he is.

Chasers give the one chased a false sense that "he must really, really love me that he would chase me like this." But a chaser loves the pursuit and what is going on within their own mind. How do we know this? Because when the pursuer succeeds, they act as if, "Oh, you aren't what I thought you are."

For a while they may be happy with their success and bask in your love. For a while they may try to change you into what they fantasized. Finally, they realize you aren't what they thought, leading to the inevitable, "I can do better."

~ Wayne & Tamara

Column for the week of August 24, 2015

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