Direct Answers – Dream Girl, The Right Fit

Dream Girl

I found a goal list my boyfriend made when we were split up for a few months last summer. These were to be fulfilled by August 2015.

At first it seemed cute, until I got to this goal. Fall in love with the girl of my dreams. Which I still thought was cute, until I saw the name beside it, which was not me. It happens to be a girl I was once friends with.

I panicked, then got angry. Then felt maybe I was overreacting. Then cried and felt I wasn't good enough.

Because I never said anything to him, every time he pulls away or comes home a little late, I think he wants her, not me. I don't know if he does, but I wonder if I'm only temporary. I don't know. I love him, but I'm scared.

Now I'm trying to avoid a pregnancy test because I'm terrified it will be positive, and he'll wish it was her carrying his baby.

~ Ingrid

Ingrid, you need to confront him because you need access to more information. You need an internal resolution about his love for you.

But before you confront him, decide if you want his honest answer, or if you want the answer you want to hear. The answer you want to hear may make you temporarily happy, but every good or bad event in the future will be colored by what the truth is.

In addition, before you confront him, find out if you are pregnant because pregnancy should be no part of the discussion. "I might be pregnant" will color his answer, but it does not solidify his link to you. At most it solidifies his link to your baby.

When you trap a man into marriage, when times get tough and all you have to lean on is his love for you, you won't have even that.

If you still aren't sure of his love, pretend you are deaf. Take all the words away. Observe. A man in love shows love through his actions.

~ Wayne & Tamara

The Right Fit

I am a single mum of a single child.

I recently met a man and went on three fun, chatty, lovely dates. Each date ended with lengthy passionate kissing in the car! Between dates he texted me for a bit of fun quick banter.

I didn't press for more, but I did say I was looking for a long-term relationship. After the third and final date he messaged me saying he thinks I'm lovely, charming, gorgeous and fun, and we have amazing chemistry. Even magic.

But he doesn't have the right feeling for me. So it's over! That feeling was the reason another guy broke up with me years before, so I'm left feeling naively in the dark at 42.

~ Holly

Holly, when we are looking for a person to be with, we feel like Tantalus, a figure from Greek mythology.

Tantalus was punished by being made to stand in a pool of water underneath a low hanging fruit tree. The water was up to his chin, yet when he went to take a drink, the water receded. When he tried to pluck the fruit, the branches rose beyond his grasp.

It doesn’t matter that two men left you and didn’t give a more tangible reason. You don’t get to feel bad because someone does not love you, as if you lack something. That’s not it.

We are all looking for the one that fits. The puzzle pieces fit together or they don’t. No one has to feel bad about it. All you need to understand is, in the nicest way possible, he said "I don’t feel we are meant for each other," just as you would have the right to say the same to him.

He said you don’t have it for me, not you don’t have it for someone else.

~ Wayne & Tamara

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