Direct Answer – Running In Place, Leaving The Nest

Running In Place

For the past six months I've had a major crush on a coworker. She is the nicest, most caring person I've ever met.

To say I am attracted to her personality and physically is an understatement. I cannot stop thinking about her. We sit five feet away from each other so I think about her constantly. We playfully flirt on a daily basis though she flirts with many other men.

She gives me looks I wonder about. I believe she has a small crush on me.

I am single but she has been married 20 years. I am 12 years younger. She has disclosed her frustrations with her husband and thoughts about leaving him, though I cannot see it happening.

For the past month or so this has affected my work. I know 99 percent we will not be together, but I struggle with my tasks at hand. Coworkers keep asking what is wrong.

 ~ Garth

Garth, there's a stock scene in the movies. A frazzled man is coming apart on the battlefield or the boardroom until the hero slaps him and says, "Get a hold of yourself, man!"

Garth, get a hold of yourself!

She's a married woman, a dozen years older, who flirts with other men and she's a coworker to boot. You're right. The odds are 99-1 against.

There's an unusual word—lalochezia—which refers to the pleasure we get from swearing or saying something vulgar. Lalochezia acts as a safety valve. It relieves psychic pressure. When she complains about her husband that's all she is doing. Venting.

She is not your problem. Your problem is you don't have anyone.

Each time you find yourself daydreaming about this married woman, take it as evidence you need to get out there and find single available women to date. Pursue your interests, join a gym, get involved.

If you don't redirect your attention, you may have another problem. You are pursuing someone unavailable so you can't have a relationship. That's a deeper problem.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Leaving The Nest

I am 23. For 10 years I had a boyfriend. We were happy though we had a make-up to break-up kind of relationship. Then something happened. He fell in love with someone he didn't want to fall in love with.

He said if he had a choice who to fall in love with it would still be me. Still, he chose to go. It's been 55 days. I am done with the 30 day no-contact rule. We sometimes chat in a friendly way, but I feel so hurt now. What can I do?

~ Colette

Colette, how do you get over him? You grow up. You are talking about a childhood love. Make-up to break-up is a child's game.

The odds are hugely unlikely you met the one for you at 13. We are not fully formed people at 13. Our brain is far from being developed. The strongest bond you had was the length of time spent together.

The one for you won't be described in petty on-and-off terms. Why did you get back together so often? Because you were around each other and it was the easiest option. It was like the spats between siblings or clashing friends.

Now you have a chance to meet someone as an adult.

It will be like growing up and going off to college or getting your first job and first apartment. It will be your first adult, grown-up relationship. Date, meet people, be out there in the world doing what you plan to do with the rest of your life.

Your focus shouldn't be your ex or a new relationship, but what you plan to be up to for the next 20 or 40 or 60 years. Try new things. Test your wings. See what adulthood and freedom and responsibility bring you.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Column for the week of October 20, 2014

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