One Less Egg To Fry
I've been with my boyfriend four years. The majority of that time we've lived together. For the last three years marrying him has been in the forefront of my mind. Near the beginning he was willing to talk about it. During one conversation he said he would propose by the time he was 25.
Well, he's 27 tomorrow. It's not so much marriage I need at this stage, but the proposal and commitment that comes with it. When I bring up this now taboo subject, I find myself practically begging him to marry me, which I'm so angry at myself for. Part of me feels like I ruined it for myself by making it into such a big deal.
His main excuse is we can't afford it, but he's a man who can make things happen when he wants them. I guess when I was younger I imagined things would be more fairy-tale. I want someone who just has to marry me. I think I deserve that.
This is the only thing that has brought me to tears in the last four years. He's slowly breaking my heart. I want him to be honest and not lead me on. Things would be different if from the start he said he didn't believe in marriage, or ever wanted to get married. I could have accepted that.
The problem is, I know he wants the marriage, house and kids thing. Is it just me he doesn't want it with?
Nina, in the back of our minds we can hear the 5th Dimension singing "Wedding Bell Blues." Your boyfriend has wrecked it for you. Every woman wants a man who wants her. Every woman has that scene in her head where the guy shocks her by going down on one knee, while onlookers smile in the background.
That scene will never happen for you with him. Marriage is a taboo subject because, if you brought it up, it means he would have to start all over again with another woman. He doesn't want that. It's too much work.
Have one final talk, the one where you tell him, "You broke my heart." Don't believe any excuses he offers. Twenty-five was not an age to him. It was some vague time in the future. All it is now, though, is the lie that kept you.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Headed for Heartache
I'm a guy who fell in love with his lesbian friend. When I met her, she had lesbian experiences but still considered herself straight. We connected on all levels, and then she decided to be gay. I don't know how to handle it.
We are super close and I respect her decision, but she hasn't really experienced love from either side. She just admits to liking girls. I don't know how to talk to her about it without saying I like her.
Please don't get mad and send back a mean email. She isn't my typical girl, and I didn't see this coming. Do I confess my love, or sit back and let the relationship deteriorate?
Lev, let it be. Making "decisions" about her sexuality isn't the same as looking in and finding out who she is. Being undefined suggests something else is going on in her life.
What is vital for you is to look inward and understand your beliefs about love, commitment and sexual relationships. Before you pursue someone who doesn't know who they are sexually, you need to know how you would feel if she decides she wants women, not men.
Are you okay with that? Or do you want someone who knows they want you?
Love has to be mutual to have any chance at success. Relationships are not something to try on, like a pair of shoes, because they can wound in a way that will mar your future.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Column for the week of October 14, 2013
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