For Every Action...
I'm a petty officer in the Navy. In late September '13 I made the choice to visit a woman at her house, innocently, but it led to a one-night stand. Over the course of two weeks it led to an emotional affair, but no sex until the following weekend, after which I asked my wife for a separation.
She, none the wiser, didn't understand and things started to go downhill fast. Less than a week later this woman and I had sex again, for the last time. By mid-November it was finished. I told my wife I wanted to work things out. I didn't tell her what happened and didn't want to.
On December 27 I couldn't hold it all in and confessed at a bar of all places. Angry she was, but she didn't leave. She told me not to worry about her paying me back, but I knew she would. One of the things in our marriage is brutal honesty, which obviously ended with my affair.
Three weeks later it turns out she got with two men, one time each. I'm in Afghanistan now and angry. Some people say I should have left. Others say, "It's on you." I know we are both through with going outside our box, but I'm still fuming.
I feel I should give justice to her. I feel something of mine was taken, and I can't get it back. Am I wrong?
Sam, you knew you and your wife had a tit-for-tat relationship. Four days before the new year you told her you cheated. Ding! Think you were subconsciously trying to end your marriage? You knew she would pay you back and, of course, you got your wish.
Now you think you have a right to get even with her because she evened the score. You don't. You aren't strong enough to end the marriage without making her the villain. It's on her, you claim.
Put the blame where it belongs. You brought her down to your level. Now you can't live with the anger you feel. Guess what? She couldn't live with the anger she felt when you cheated. Paybacks, as they say, are hell.
What you did is not something you do to someone you love, but it is something you do when you are trying to get out of a relationship and unwilling to admit it. Be angry with yourself for not having the courage to end it before you cheated. Use this experience as a new beginning.
Find someone you can love with all your heart.
Wayne & Tamara
Good Day. Way back in 2006 my wife had a dinner date with an ex-boyfriend. At that point we had been married three years. Two weeks later I accidently read an email she wrote a friend. The email was about the dinner date and what happened.
They kissed, held hands and hugged in the sweetest way. Though it happened eight years ago, it's always in my mind. I picture them making sweet that night, and question why she did it with no regrets.
I want to overcome my feelings, but how?
Les, the problem with cheating is the unfaithful party will never be sorry enough to stop the faithful party from feeling the way they do. So what are you left with? She chose to do something that hurt you this much.
That's the price of staying. You don't trust her and she thinks it's in the past. She doesn't want to hear about it. That's the difference between the victim and their cheater.
For the victim it is never in the past because they wanted a life with someone who would never do this. People think there is no price to pay when you stay with a cheater. There is a price to pay every day.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Column for the week of April 21, 2014
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