Direct Answers – Bottomless Pit

Bottomless Pit

Can you explain this to me? Just recently I was engaged to a wonderful man with whom I had the closest of spiritual, mental and physical connections. He was the man I dreamed of my whole life.

Suddenly he turned on me and broke the engagement because, he claimed, he was tired of my insecurities. I look back at relationships I've had and they all have the same pattern. I meet someone special, he is as keen as mustard and wants to marry me.

I give my love totally and accept him without wanting him to change in any way. In midstream he has a change of heart and runs from me. Recently I spoke to an old flame and asked why he also ran from me. He said I give so completely he got scared and ran. He says he now regrets it.

I look back at two ex-fiancés, an ex-husband and a couple of others. They all did the same thing, usually within two years of the relationship. These men say I changed, and maybe I did, but only because I sensed them cooling off and it tripped my insecurities.

Why can't these men accept my love for what it is? Instead they try to change it to suit their own way of thinking. I thought love, like a wild animal, should be given freely to the man a woman loves.

Caged and controlled, it wants to break away and never come back. Free to come and go, it will always return. It should never be held back as the call of the wild will always be in it.

If I meet someone again, I would like to know how to handle things without being hurt. I still love my ex-fiancé and am hurting like crazy. I tried to reconcile with him but he didn’t want to listen.

Not one week after we broke up, he found another woman. Now a month later he had this woman move in with him. I've been told he isn't happy and she is just a rebound.

~ Erin

Erin, you've named at least five men. It happens every two years. What are the odds it's you, not them? Two years into a relationship there is a cooling off and people start acting normal and familiar with each other.

The problem is you are a firehose of love and you expect a constant response back. But every night is not your wedding night. At some point the new car smell fades. That doesn't make you love the car less. The car is still a very important part of your life.

Once your man settles in and gets past the first flush, your insecurities appear because you want the first flush to continue forever. The one thing you are not telling us, or letting the men tell us through you, is what you are doing to them when that happens.

I've got this outpouring of love, why can't they accept it? That's your story. They think, we can't spend every day like we are on our first date. The impracticality of that is staggering.

We knew a woman who posted a picture of a grocery sack full of romance novels on her Facebook page. Underneath she wrote, "This will last me about a week." Romance novels are churned out like cans of Coca-Cola. Some women are raised on them, but they are not life.

You cannot be a sucking hole of need.

Most men can take as much fawning over as a woman can give. But you are asking for something they cannot give, and they can't take it anymore. They aren't saying no to the firehose of love, they are saying no to the constant neediness they can never satisfy.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Column for the week of September 26, 2016

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