Here And Now
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of one year. I'm not sure if I did it for the right reasons. Please hear my story.
I'm a very ambitious girl, and I'm always trying to improve myself. I dated my boyfriend when he showed intense interest in me. We chatted online, and I felt a connection to him, like he was a dear friend I enjoyed talking to and had known a long time.
He was loving, brought me gifts, gave me words of encouragement and was always there for me. But I was never sure of being with him romantically. Over time, I started losing respect for him. I couldn't understand why he always tried things without committing to them.
I worked a full-time job while he mostly sat at home. He hasn't had a full-time job, despite saying he would do anything to support his family, even if it meant working at McDonald's. I guess living at home doesn't have that kind of pressure.
In one year, I graduated from university, landed a full-time job and moved out. He seems to be in the same place as when I met him. He finished a two-year degree in four years. Now he says he wants to explore his passions, so he is going back to school, but will take a year to figure out which program.
Recently, we argued and I decided to move on. I found it hard to see a stable future with him, and I can't wait three years till he gets another degree.
He says I screwed up bad, and I'll regret it for the rest of my life. No one will love me like he loves me. I'm too screwed up.
I still love and care about him, as he is still my best friend. He says that it's an impossibility. I think if we didn't give our virginity to each other, I would feel more ready to move on.
He is bitter, and I wonder if I made a grave mistake. What if in X amount of years, he becomes the man I would admire and be proud to have as a husband?
Ginger, what if he doesn't become the man he threatens to become? The truth is, his best chance to change will come from suffering a great, beyond-repair crisis that makes him look at himself.
Instinctively, you knew you weren't romantically attracted to him. He was a friend. You slept with a friend, and he wanted you to be his girlfriend. You had sex with him and that's why it's hard to leave. You figured it out. That's pretty savvy.
This time your instincts told you to leave. You have second thoughts because he is threatening you, but those threats mean you have lost him as a boyfriend and as a friend. You can't be friends anymore. You can't be, because he will not let you.
He stamps his feet like a spoiled brat and says things to hurt you. "One day I will become someone really cool, and you will regret this. No one else will love you." That's what a person says to keep his life just as it is.
Why weren't you romantically interested in him? He's not a man, he's still a boy. Staying with him will not make him a man.
What makes the world wonderful is we are not all cut from the same cookie cutter. Each of us is unique, with a wide range of talents, aspirations and skills. That also means any two of us can't be paired up as if we are interchangeable parts.
That's why you need that special connection, that love, that makes you perfect in someone else's eyes and them perfect in yours. Your mate isn't a project. Your mate is the one who is perfect in your eyes. Not at some date in the future, but now.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Column for the week of October 28, 2013
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