Direct Answers – For Whom The Bell Tolls

For Whom The Bell Tolls

My fiancé and I are getting married in a couple of months. There is a nine year age difference. I felt that worked well for us as I loved his maturity and focus on life goals. But doubts about the wedding are eating me up.

We’ve planned our wedding off and on for the last two years.

First, let me say I'm not a real wedding-type person. I dread having to wear a wedding dress and the mile long list of things to do. I wanted things small and casual.

Every time I tried talking about our options, my fiancé gave me short answers, if any, then changed the subject. So I dropped the planning and continued on with life. Finally I had enough of the dark wedding cloud over my head and refused to move forward without his involvement.

Since then our wedding has turned into something neither of us want due to all our parents forceful input. Now we are having more people and a different season to accommodate everyone. There are bitter feelings from both family and ourselves.

All the fun has been sucked out of it. I am burnt-out and fed up with everyone including my fiancé. For the last year I’ve felt he’s hit another level and age bracket in his life where he is just no fun anymore. He is not taking care of himself as he used to and has no passion for anything.

He feels too old for me now. I’m experiencing the desperate need for color in my life and he is black and white. I feel like such a kid and he is such an adult. I don't know how else to explain it.

~ Petra

Petra, weddings are a lot of work or they can be, and if you can't handle the work of the planning, you lose control.

Everyone who helps will pick based on what they like. The bride-to-be may want it to be fun and she may want to be the center of attention, but it isn't fun for others to go, "Oh, whatever you like. Oh, whatever you like."

Forget the meddlers and focus on the relationship.

Many of your complaints are aimed at your fiancé. We didn't hear “I love him” or "I would battle to be married to this man." The last thing a person wants to say, when they file for divorce, is, "I knew I shouldn't have gotten married in the first place."

Just as there are introverts and extraverts, comedians and straight men, there are people who press for a wedding and then blame the other person when the marriage goes kaput.

Clearly, you don't want the wedding that is happening. Call it off.

Cancelling will do two things. On your fiancé’s side, you will know where he stands. Either you will hear, "Please, baby, no. What's the matter?" or "What a relief. I didn't want to be married anyway." On your side, your deeper self will tell you that you are sad or that you have been given a reprieve.

Get back to the normal sense of you two being together.

There are things in life we have to own: whether to get a nose job, our college major, and who to marry. These cannot be made by committee. We alone can make the choice.

Consider also, was this a willful pairing on both parts? Or did you press him for a wedding and his disinterest reflects his unwillingness to give you a ring.

If you marry, make it your wedding. Go to a courthouse, find a quiet chapel where songbirds sing, or fly to Vegas and get married by an Elvis impersonator. Whatever you do, make it your own wedding.

Our suspicion is you don't want this wedding or this man. Calling off a wedding is embarrassing, but being married to the wrong person is a nightmare.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Column for the week of June 8, 2015

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