I am beginning to think I have been part of an affair for the past couple of years. Let me start at the beginning.
Two years ago a woman and I became close, first as friends, then gradually a strong sexual attraction grew between us. For a short period of time I was in love with her and she had feelings for me as well. At that time she had been dating her boyfriend about a year.
As we grew closer, she continued what she considered a committed relationship with him.
In the last two years she's been in what you could call a side relationship with me. This consists of sending suggestive messages, pictures and videos to each other, sometimes as late as 3 or 4 a.m. Looking back at it, it was like phone sex. She would send naked photos of herself, and I would send action videos of myself.
We never had sex, but we touched intimately and kissed each other all over. Her boyfriend doesn't know any of this. Recently they celebrated their three year anniversary, which they spent together on a Florida vacation. I feel she will never tell her boyfriend, who she says she wants to marry and have kids with.
I would like to know if you consider this cheating on her part?
Dirk, comedian Bobcat Goldthwait began one routine by saying, "I lost my job." After a long pause he would add, "I mean, I know where my job is still. Just when I go there there's this new guy doing it."
Then he would say, "I lost my girlfriend." After a pause he would add, "I didn't really lose my girlfriend. I mean, I know where she is still. Just when I go there there's this new guy doing it."
You might have hoped once to be her new guy, but that will never happen. You're just an appetizer on her plate. Her main course is her boyfriend, and you simply rev her up for the main attraction. If she wanted you, she would have had you, but since she's using you, she'll never respect you.
What does she tell herself? "I'm not having sex with him so I'm not cheating." But, of course, she is. What do you tell yourself? "These videos are harmless." We could tell you to stop sending them, but you won't learn that lesson until one of them comes back to haunt you.
Wayne & Tamara
Headed For A Fall
I met this amazing woman about six months ago. She and I have gone out quite a few times. Our first meeting we took a walk and talked. We had a good time. Another time we went bowling. Just yesterday, we went mini-golfing.
I felt I really opened up. A couple of weeks ago I told her I liked her. She replied she didn't like me that way and just wanted to be friends. Yesterday I had a great time and I think about her all the time.
What I'm asking is, Is it possible she could develop feelings for me down the road even though she said only friends?
Larry, when a woman says you are friend material, you are friend material. Believe what she says. Otherwise you will get your heart broken. Otherwise you will keep developing feelings for her until the day she tells you, "I told you on the third date we were just friends."
It's a bad idea to take a woman you are attracted to on dates when she tells you it is not a date.
Believe her. It's not a date.
There either is or isn't something between two people. She's telling you it isn't there. This kind of dating is like buying a lottery ticket. The chances of winning are incredibly bad. The chances of you getting your heart broken? Almost guaranteed.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Column for the week of August 4, 2014
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