Growing Up Is Hard To Do
My name is Kaitlyn and I'm 19. I met my first love sophomore year of high school. We were boyfriend and girlfriend in a play and ended up dating at the end of my sophomore year.
He was a senior. We were each other's first relationship and everything. Everything. We dated a few months, broke up, got back together a month later and dated until the end of my junior year. His family absolutely loves me.
Including the time we starting "talking" and dating we were together about a year. He broke up with me because he was a freshman in college and I was still in high school, immature and selfish, as I realized later. We hooked up a few times my senior year which didn't make moving on any easier.
I'm a college freshman now, he's a junior and I am still so in love with him.
We don't talk anymore. I told him to block me on social media so he wouldn't resent how much I want to talk to him. Before I said block me, I would text "hope you are doing well" and he would answer the same way. So it's not like he ignored me.
His friends say he tries to act tough in front of them, saying he doesn't love me and it's over. But around his mom it's a touchy subject. A week ago I had lunch with her. She made it sound like he still loves me. We talk a lot and she makes me have hope we will get back together.
I am mature now and we are at the same point in our lives since we are both in college. I still cry almost every day and it's been almost two years.
Kaitlyn, growing up is like constantly exploring a new territory. We stand, then we walk, then we read, then we write. We learn about sex. We learn about love.
With each step we push into unmapped territory. We don't get to halt at one stage and say,
"That's enough. I'm stopping here." That would be like you saying, "I've had a year of college. I know what it's like. That's enough."
You had a high school romance. Your on-again, off-again relationship ended two years ago. Instead of going on with your journey you wanted to stop where you were, even though he moved on. So now you must move on. The next step for you is meeting new people and having new experiences.
You are no longer his girlfriend, so don't hang out with his mom. How would it feel if you broke up with him but he kept visiting your family and pressuring you in that way? How many movies have you seen where the girl is surrounded by other girls saying, "He still loves you, he's just putting on a brave face"?
That's wishful thinking.
You might be his mother's choice, but you are not his choice. The power of first sex combined with the fantasy of what might have been have stopped you in your tracks. You can't force this relationship to be what you want.
Forced relationships don't go anywhere positive. When a woman pursues a man, even if she catches him, in time she will realize he does not love me. If he loved you, you would be together.
The best time to learn this is now. You don't chase people who aren't in love with you. You don't chase people who don't have the feelings for you that you have for them.
You are in college. That's the unmapped territory you've entered. Imagine where you will be in four years. Imagine what it could be like to be with a man who loves you as much as you love him.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara – Column for the week of December 12, 2016
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