One Of Many
My wife and I joined a swingers club in our area and have been going there regularly. I find it difficult because I wouldn't consider having sex with anyone there. My wife says, "Sex is just sex." She says she loves me and to remember I am the one she goes home with.
We originally started swinging where we had our own rules, but after researching swingers it became obvious that most swingers have no rules.
At this club there is one man who goes after all the women. He and his wife have been swingers for many years. My wife shows interest in him and wants to be alone with him. I do not want that.
I don't understand "sex is just sex." I don't want to stop my wife from having fun, yet I do not want her to be alone with any other man. I want to be there. Not to watch but to be a part of it. My stomach turns into knots every time I think of her being alone with some guy.
What would hurt most would be if she told me he was the best ever. Even if she told me she loved me it would still hurt. I am confused about my feelings. Can you provide any insight?
Howard, if you don't accept that sex is just sex, you are not a swinger. Happily married people are just like you. They don't get swinging. Not only do they have the idea this is my person to the exclusion of all others, they have the reciprocal of that. Someone cares about me above all others.
Your wife is the swinger. She's dragged you down this path and put your marriage at risk. You feel jealousy, self-loathing and disgust, and your feelings about her and the marriage are changing. There's no compromise between she wants to have sex with others and you would rather she didn't.
That's the usual case with swingers. One party wants it while the other clearly does not.
You are stuck between "if I don't go along she will leave me" and "if I do go along she could meet someone she would rather be with." Usually the good person is destroyed by swinging, their self-esteem and sense of self ripped apart.
People are meant to be monogamous. Two is the perfect number. Add a third and the two will gang up against the one. If we weren't made to be monogamous, when she goes off with another man you would feel great.
Without love and commitment to one person, sex never gets to love. Like drugs, it is a mindless pursuit of something which doesn't get to the ultimate. Swingers are a micro-section of unusual, uncommon sexual practices. Whatever problem, aberration or personality defect motivates your wife, you don't share it.
You are trying to give meaning to what is happening, and she is saying there is no meaning. We know you love her, because you want to give her what she wants. But what she wants destroys your relationship. If you ever wished for this, you realize now you didn't understand what it means.
Sex is not something to be taken lightly. It is not like anything else. Misapplied it is rape, incest, child molestation, prostitution and human trafficking.
Sometimes you have to take a thing out of one context and apply it to another before you understand it. Would you be happy if your daughter did this? Do you admire basketball player Wilt Chamberlain, who is supposed to have had sex with over 20,000 women, or do you wonder what was so lacking in him that he would do this?
At the end of your life do you want to be with a woman you love and who loves you, or do you want to be with a woman like your wife?
~ Wayne & Tamara
Column for the week of August 11, 2014
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