Terms of Service
Tom and I have been friends for about 10 years. We've been there for each other through everything. Recently we were put in the position where he is my supervisor. Recently, also, we had a little romantic incident.
I don't think either of us saw it coming. After it he kept saying he doesn't want me to fall in love with him, which is fine. But he flirts more now than ever. For his birthday I gave him a "getaway weekend" where he can take anyone he wants. He wants to take me.
He insists nothing will happen, but we will be stuck in the same room for three days. Is he interested? What am I supposed to think?
Tally, he told you the terms and conditions. Don't fall in love with me. That was his most truthful statement, his bottom line. Anything said involving alcohol, a romantic dinner and a bed a few feet away can't be believed.
He thinks you agreed to the terms. The weekend trip led him along. A getaway for us. Guess who will come out on the bottom end of this one. You might as well have given him an outfit in your size from Victoria's Secret.
He will be mad if nothing happens, but what he said to you is not a thing which becomes the foundation of something better. A man can be interested in you without having feelings for you. Aside of course from, "You're hot and I have urges."
What do we always tell a woman? If you want marriage, family and children, it will never be to your advantage to have sex with a man who warns you off in the beginning. And in Tom's case, this may put your livelihood at risk as well. You should feel pleased he told you upfront.
Tell him, I didn't mean this weekend for us, I meant it for you and someone else. Let him save his urges for another woman.
Least Common Denominator
My boyfriend and I have come to a crossroads. We have very different views on marriage. We've been together two years and are best friends. Unfortunately, we disagree about where we want this relationship to go.
Marriage to me seems natural, whereas my boyfriend believes living together is the same commitment as getting married. He has always been supportive of my decisions, but I feel if I force him into marriage, he's going to resent me for compromising his values.
The thing is, he expects me to compromise my values to be with him. How can we work this out so we don't lose each other?
Cate, if you think, if he loved me he would marry me, then by your standards he doesn't love you. You want us to tell you how to maneuver him into marriage. Our answer is, you can't.
You want so much to get married you are willing to settle for it being against his will. That won't work.
A man in love wants to make a woman his own. He wants to exclude the possibility of another man in her life. That alone should tell you where you stand.
Column for the week of April 18, 2016
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