Wolves Among Lambs
I am 30 and engaged to the man of my dreams. I recently found out through my fiancé's sister that their father, a leader in the church, has been cheating with numerous women. He has used the church's mission in Honduras to find them and pay their tuition for college.
His computer includes pictures of women's intimate parts, as well as his own, and texts going back years. All this from a man engaged in the church six days a week. After finding this out, we learned something similar happened when the children were young. It was hidden so the children could grow up with a father.
My fiancé's mother recently kicked her husband out of the house and made my fiancé go through all texts, letters and images on his computer. Only weeks later, however, she started slowly bringing her husband back into the picture. She sent us gifts on Valentine's Day with his name on the cards and tried to arrange family visits.
To say the least, I am furious. I find the father repulsive. I would never allow him to be around my future children. I like the mother, but am starting to build resentment towards her and her efforts to make my fiancé and I accept and condone this disgusting behavior.
Amber, when someone's clothes are on fire, the best thing they can do is stop, drop and roll. Stop running around, drop to the ground and roll the flames to extinction.
Your clothes may not be on fire, but your future is. If you marry your fiancé , you may be powerless to stop your father-in-law from being with your children.
His position as a church elder is a farce. His wife is an enabler. To preserve her status quo, she has been willing to sacrifice young women. She's nice in things which don't matter and an accomplice in things which do.
By trying to preserve a lifestyle and appearances, she has become a co-conspirator in her husband's actions. Where is the action to permanently remove his ability to create more victims? Where is the concern for the victims he's created?
Unless your fiancé is willing to quarantine his father, and perhaps his mother, your only option is to stop, drop and roll away from all this.
My wedding date is approaching in July but I'm unsure. My parents think he has too much baggage. We have much in common, but we've also had a series of events that have dampened our relationship.
I've never been married. When we met he said he wasn't married either. Well, my dad is an ex-cop and about three months into our relationship, in his free time he looked up my boyfriend. A search showed there was a woman with his last name living with him. When I confronted him, he came clean and said he was married but separated.
I was devastated. I was in total shock but my mother didn't think it was the end of the world. My instincts said let him go, but I listened to my mother's advice and continued to date him. From there other lies were revealed, which didn't have anything to do with me or our time together, but they made it hard to trust him.
He has worked hard to be transparent, but I haven't reached a place where I'm sure I want to marry him. Time is ticking and a lot of money is on the line if I don't make a decision soon.
Megan, the basis of your interest in him was founded on a lie. You thought he was single. Your instincts said, Run.
Rather than dreading the looming deadline, you should be grateful it is forcing you to act. You aren't enough in love with him to be certain of this relationship, and that should spell the end.
Column for the week of March 9, 2015
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