I am absolutely nauseous from sadness and grief. My boyfriend leaves me with no alternative but to end our relationship. I know he loves me, but there are times his actions indicate otherwise.
We do not live together. He makes an appointment with me and is either hours late or doesn't show up at all, always with some ridiculous excuse. He had to help so-and-so, had to look into this or that, or something I did aggravated him. Yet there is no phone call, no notice. When I express my displeasure, he promises to do better.
The coup de grace came two weeks ago when he was out of town on business. The night prior to his arrival home he called and told me he did not know when he'd arrive the next day, as he was flying standby. He said he loved me, absolutely could not wait to see me, and so badly wanted to be home with me.
I found out later he knew exactly when he'd be back, which was mid-morning. After speaking with me, he called his best friend and told him what time to pick him up. The friend did. They went from the airport to play golf and spent the afternoon at a local bar. After being in town eight hours and not telling me, he called and wanted to know what we were doing for dinner.
I felt I had been slapped in the face. He said I was overreacting and could not believe I was so upset. He is wonderful for two months, then BAM! Out of the blue I get punched in the stomach. I can't deal with it anymore. Why in the world would a man be this way? An attempt to make me feel small? A retreat to his cave?
I am dumbfounded and losing sleep wondering what in the world makes a man like this tick.
Betsy, put yourself in his self-centered shoes for a moment. He's been out of town two weeks doing business. He arrives at 10 a.m. He's not interested in eating dinner or having sex until 8 p.m. So he calls up a buddy for a ride, lunch, golf, and drinks at the 19th hole.
What makes this scenario possible? Lying to you. Lying to you about his arrival time allows him to lunch, golf, and drink with his buddies. Telling you he loves you and misses you desperately insures dinner and sex to rap up his excellent day.
Stop overthinking this. He lies because it is convenient for him. No more, no less. Lies get him what he wants.
You're in a three-legged race with a man you can't trust. If you want a man who wants to be with you, a man true to his word, then cut your ties to this man.
~ Wayne & Tamara
No Happy Ending
I'm writing to you with a completely shattered heart. I've known my wife for over five years, and we got married last August. It was a fairy tale wedding, everything we always wanted, with about 200 guests. Everyone said by the look on our faces they knew we were in love.
For years before the wedding, my wife was completely into me. We spent every night and all weekend together. Our perfect weekend would be a couple of rental movies and a night out to eat. Six months after the wedding I threw a 30th birthday party for my wife and invited all her friends. She had a blast but got very drunk. People were shocked to see her like that, but I was just happy my wife was happy.
After the party I noticed she acted different. My wife didn't seem to care about things we made a priority in our life, like having a baby and buying a home. One Saturday morning I found her secretly checking her voice mail messages. I guessed at her access code and guessed correctly. The message I heard was her boss saying how much he missed her and needed to hear the sound of her voice.
I started shaking and felt nauseous. He is the same age as me, in great shape, and definitely her type. I went upstairs and confronted my wife. She denied it, but I could see the lie in her face. When I suggested we listen to the voice mail together, she confessed and we both cried.
She explained he was there for her because I wasn't there emotionally. She said they only kissed once or twice but never slept together. I want to believe her, but I don't. She seems cold and distant and isn't the same person anymore. Part of me wants her back, and part of me thinks she's too far gone.
Doyle, just because you cried together it doesn't mean you were crying for the same reason. A teenager stealing a CD from a store may cry when he gets caught, but if he succeeded he might hold the CD aloft and boast to his buddies. His tears are not tears of remorse, but tears because of his predicament.
Nothing in your letter suggests you weren't there for your wife emotionally, yet she isn't lying when she makes that claim. Who was emotionally disconnected? She was, from you. She doesn't feel the closeness, the loyalty, and the bond you do.
Your connection to her would prevent you from doing this to her. She was so disconnected from you she didn't consider you before becoming involved with her boss.
She claims you were emotionally distant. She wants you to accept blame for something she never told you. She did not come to her husband and talk. She started dating her boss and hid it from her husband. If she was that miserable, she should have told you.
Fidelity is the definition of marriage. What does that mean? When two people decide on marriage, dating stops. Intimate relationships with other people stop. Otherwise, why get married? Your wife is dating again. That kills a marriage.
In one of the Upanishads there is an ecstatic passage which begins, "This earth is honey for all beings, and all beings are honey for this earth…" That passage always reminds us what marriage should feel like. A husband should be honey for his wife, and a wife honey for her husband.
Home should be a refuge and an oasis. The one who shares that with you should love you simply and completely.
To move forward, sooner or later you have to get to the truth. How do you get from where you are to where you want to be, with a woman whose first response was to lie and point the finger at you?
Wayne & Tamara
I'm 27. I've been seeing a married man for three years. I am madly in love and cannot imagine losing him even though I don't have him all to myself now. Every time I've had enough of this tortured relationship and am ready to leave, something happens to keep us closely involved. It is strange.
He's been married 10 years and promising to leave his wife for the last year. Well, about three months ago she found out about us and threatened to call me out at work. Yes, we work together too. There is no company policy about this, but I imagine she could still cause problems.
Six weeks ago she called and asked me to please give her the chance to repair her marriage by stepping out of the way. I agreed. A week later, after they went to counseling, he told me his wife accepted that their relationship was dead. They started to split their assets and find her a house.
He tells me all the time how much he loves me, and how he wants to make me smile every day. He goes out of his way to please me whenever I get upset about the situation. He even says if I left now he would search the planet until he found me.
To get to the point, they are still in their house. Last night, after spending the week with me, his wife called and informed me they had sex last Sunday before he came to my house. He did not deny it. That makes me physically ill. He said they were boxing things up, and she kept bringing out old keepsakes and pictures from their past and he was "drunk and sentimental."
He apologized profusely and is trying to move out of the house by the end of the week in hopes of not losing me. I am confused and hurt. I don't know whether I can ever trust this relationship.
Alexa, while you were having an affair with this man, you pushed unpleasant thoughts aside. His wife was a louse, unworthy of a faithful husband. Or so you thought. Your mind wouldn't go to: last night he had sex with her, this afternoon he's having sex with me.
For three years he's been intimate with two women. One was at home making food, going to the grocery store, and picking up his underwear. The other woman was you. Now his wife has played her trump card. She's his wife. She isn't doing anything wrong by having sex with him. Maybe she's trying to win him back, or maybe she's simply trying to rain on your parade. Either way it works for her.
What do you fear? You will be making food for him, going to the grocery store, and picking up his underwear, and he will be telling another woman he would search the world over to find her. What you fear is not retribution for what you did. What you fear is the recognition of his true nature.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Another Liar, Liar
I am wondering if this is fair? I work and my employment benefits include life insurance. My husband came to watch me sign him as beneficiary. He then took out family insurance through his bank and showed me a page of the insurance form stating if he dies I am his beneficiary.
Later I heard him on the phone with his daughter telling her she and her brother were his beneficiaries. They are grown and married, with well-paying jobs. Is this fair? When I asked him about this, he said it was not true. He said I heard wrong, which I did not.
He claims he lost all the paperwork, though he has not lost so much as an old hunting license in his life. I wonder if he mailed the papers to his daughter. When I asked to see the forms, he said he would just cancel the insurance, which is fine. But he did not cancel.
I do not care if he has insurance or not. I am not a taker. It is the principle of feeling loved, cared for, and equal. His bank account is with his daughter also, not with me. I've bought him many things, make the truck and car payments, and pay the rent. I love him but wonder if he loves me or considers me an outsider.
Freda, your husband hasn't lost so much as an old hunting license. Is he lying to you? Does a wild bear poop in the woods? Heck yes.
You are sharing a bed with a man you don't share a bank account with. You must know where you stand if he dies. Will his children inherit everything, even the two vehicles you are making payments on?
If he doesn't come up with the information you need, at the very least change the beneficiary on your life insurance policy to someone else, even a second cousin twice removed. Forcing his hand will dictate your next move.
Wayne & Tamara
Eight Million Stories
I recently married. Prior to getting serious, I told my husband about my not so spotless past, giving him the opportunity to bow out. He said my past didn't matter. He didn't, however, return the favor. After we married, the official who denied his driver's license reinstatement told me he has not one, but seven alcohol related arrests.
My husband vehemently denies he has a substance abuse problem, but he took 120 pain pills in a week's time. See a pattern? He accuses me of infidelity, which is impossible because he hardly ever lets me out of his sight. He's gone so far as to accuse me of poisoning our dog against him.
To top off everything else, despite my parents helping us pay the bills, he recently bought a weekend at a time-share resort. I feel I've been fighting single-handedly for our marriage. Will this man ever live in reality?
Mia, the crime show "Naked City" ended each episode with the same tag line: "There are eight million stories in the Naked City. This has been one of them." Most of the shows ended on a melancholy note with people wishing things hadn't happened as they did.
Your husband committed a crime against you: fraud. He was impersonating someone you could love. At the end of each "Naked City," people dealt with the aftermath of what was done to them and moved on with their lives. Like everyone else in the Naked City, you should, too.
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Column for the week of June 10, 2013
Wayne & Tamara answer as many letters as they possibly can.