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Fast Food
I am in a long-distance
relationship with a woman, and we see each other nine or ten
times a month when she comes to my city for work. We are madly
in love with each other and she has made plans to move closer
to me.
When we met we
became lovers first and now are exclusive and serious. However,
the problem is she has a lot of old boyfriends, dating buddies,
and sex chat friends that still call, e-mail, and text. I have
seen messages which ask for sexual favors as if she is a working
girl.
She says she
no longer sex chats with these guys and they are just friends
now. I do not believe it. I fear she is going to continue with
this sex chatting and see these guys again. She refuses to discuss
or explain any more than “you have nothing to worry about.”
Yet I worry. What should I do?
~ Colin |
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Colin, let’s
assume the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
You walked into her restaurant and realized she has cooked for
lots of other men. You found the cooking tasty, but you know
many guys might want another one of her meals.
You don’t
think she is making it clear enough she will no longer cook for
them. That is where your minds diverge. You believe she should
make it perfectly clear, and she knows if she made it perfectly
clear they wouldn’t still be hanging around the restaurant.
The hitch is,
you are looking for a home cook and that isn’t on her menu.
~ Wayne &
Tamara
Actions Speak
Louder
Okay, here is
the background. Seven years ago I met my husband when I was pregnant
with my daughter. He took on the role of daddy. Three years later
I cheated on him with a black man and as a result had a baby.
My husband took on the role of daddy to him as well.
Today my husband
found out I sent a nude picture to the father of my second child,
and now I need to apologize to the man I love and who has been
through so much in this marriage. He is on the breaking point,
and I think he will divorce me.
I want my husband
to know I am so sorry, I was wrong, and this is never going to
happen again. It’s just that this other man has been coming
up everywhere, and my husband is so insecure. How do I show my
husband I love him so much, and how do I get trust back?
~ Malina
Malina, it’s not paranoia
when you think someone is out to get you--and someone is actually
out to get you. It is not insecurity if you feel you can’t
trust someone who has already betrayed you.
Two researchers,
Mick Rothbart and Bernadette Park, once gave people a list of
150 traits and asked them how many events it would take to establish
each trait. They also asked how many events it would take to
disprove the trait. Rothbart and Park learned that the hardest
trait to establish is trust, and trust is the easiest trait to
destroy.
There is a reason
we despise turncoats, traitors, and embezzlers. Cheating triggers
a disgust in us we cannot get past. When the cheater is someone
we share our intimate life with, it is especially difficult.
The problem with
staying with someone who has broken trust is that they are likely
to betray us again. Aside from our children, it is usually impossible
to reestablish trust in one who has broken it.
You don’t
need advice on how to keep your husband. You need to understand
why you keep doing this. Unless your husband leaves you, you
are unlikely to learn this lesson. Until your husband leaves
you, his future is unlikely to change.
~ Wayne &
Tamara
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Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters
to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Direct Answers
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 Direct
Answers Archive 2009 |
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