Direct Answers – Cheating The Rules

Relationship Advice Column
I ruined everything by telling him I loved him. How can I fix it?

I met him on the internet. Wait, hold on a minute! I know you might be going, “Ah, man! Not another one of those letters.” It’s nothing like that.

     I saw his ad on a matrimonial site, and I was hooked. The ad was organized, with a picture. In his ad he asked women to write to him as comprehensively as they could, and include a picture. I replied inquiring about his requirement, but I didn’t include a picture or say anything about myself.

     He didn’t reply.

     I sent another email from another address, and again, he didn’t reply. I kept looking at his ad and noticed he has a unique website. I sent an email and this time asked about the site. He replied! He talked about the site, and I felt instantly attracted.

     His emails were always serious and formal, unlike most males on the internet. He is very intelligent, and for the first time I thought this could be the one. I began writing him about the site, but still never mentioned anything about myself.

     Then one day I made the mistake of my life. We both were serious and formal, and I ruined it all. I sent him an email revealing my feelings to him. I told him it was impossible for me to love him because I don’t know him, but I care about him a lot.

     Since then he stopped writing back quickly. When I realized I made a mistake, I wrote him three emails in the same day. One apologizing, another telling him I had a dream about him, and the third about something I thought of. I was turning into a freak. I didn’t know what I was doing.

     I think I gave the impression I was desperate. He replied and said I put too much emphasis on looks. He said, “I thank you for your kind words, though I’m not the greatest person on earth.”

     I was embarrassed, but I decided not to give up.

     For some reason, I never look good in a picture. I know I’m really pretty, even beautiful, but I don’t know how to show it in a picture. That’s mainly why I avoid cameras, but I took a picture and sent it to him.

    He replied saying he’s sorry, his heart isn’t in it. He said his decision wasn’t based solely on the picture. He felt it wasn’t going to work even before the picture.

     I knew it had something to do with the way I wrote, but it was too late. I am so clumsy with my writing it made me feel like a child.

     I sent an email telling him I’m sorry he feels that way and how about if we talk on the phone? He’d see how I sound instead of reading my words.

     It’s been a week and a half, and he hasn’t written back. 

     I just feel so sad. I ruined everything by telling him I loved him. How can I fix it? Should I think of this as a lesson learned, or should I try again? I’m afraid I’ll look like a psycho, a stalker, or someone really desperate. 


 Amelia, at one point in medieval Ireland, the English crown controlled only a few shires. The English marked their boundaries with stakes, called pales, to protect themselves from the raiding Irish. Eventually the pales became a wall surrounded by a ditch.

     One ancient document remarked that beyond the pales lived “wild Irishmen.” To this day the expression “beyond the pale” refers to acts that are uncivilized or rude. 

     You did not make one mistake with this man. You outright ignored his instructions because you thought, if you followed them, you would not win first place. That was more than rude. It was sneaky and conniving. It was beyond the pale.

     You approached, got rejected, approached again, got rejected again, and then tried a third ploy. What you did is similar to the boy who gets turned down for a date, then asks the girl’s mother if he can mow their lawn.

     Just as a woman always has a right to say no, so do men. He said no repeatedly. He was polite and considerate. Now he needs protection from what lies beyond the pale: you.

     ~ Wayne & Tamara

Column for week of April 20, 2020

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