Looking for an Excuse
It was a normal Saturday and my boyfriend was playing on my cell phone. So I grabbed his phone and as I did, a flirty text appeared from another woman. I was in complete shock.
I asked him who the woman was and he said she was someone he dated back in college. On occasion, he said, they still speak, and on occasion “she likes to flirt.” I told him I did not find that acceptable.
I asked if he flirted back and he admitted he did. I asked if he ever did anything sexual with her behind my back. He swore he never did in the two years we’ve been together.
To make a long story short, there was a huge confrontation. I threatened to leave him and move back home with my parents. He begged me not to go. He was apologetic and even cried. In front of me he told her not to contact him again and she agreed.
I forgave him, but now I’m having a hard time trusting him. Whenever I see him texting, I wonder who it’s with. I have an urge to check his phone whenever he steps away.
In October we moved in together. I agreed to stay because I love him, but there are days I want to jump in my car, drive away and never look back. My emotions are like the weather. I could talk to my family about it, but they like my boyfriend, and if I tell them what happened, they will not trust him again.
I know he made a mistake. I know deep in my heart he is very sorry. I don’t want to be angry and resentful anymore at all. I want to trust him again, but I just can’t.
Amber, when Iago, one of Shakespeare’s villains, says “oft my jealousy shapes faults that are not,” is he describing you? We ask because the evidence against your boyfriend is weak. One flirty text is bantering, not betrayal.
In the absence of established ground rules between the two of you, this doesn’t constitute a violation. Or is this where you are coming from? Holding this over his head makes you feel superior. Henceforth, you can carry him around like a dog with a bone in its mouth.
People are not bones. We would not subject him to your suspicious gaze for the rest of his life. Unless you can accept his explanation this time, end the relationship.
~ Wayne & Tamara
My fiancé and I are getting married this year . My future sister-in-law just told me she slept with her brother’s (my fiancé’s) best friend who is also our best man. Our best man is married and not only married, but married to a woman who is one of our close friends.
She was in a relationship when she did this, and not only did they sleep together, they slept together several times. His wife and I are close friends, and she disclosed to me that her doctor told her that her husband, our best man, gave her an STD! Genital warts!
I feel I should tell my fiancé what his sister and best man are up to, but I also feel it could be a Very Bad Idea! My sister-in-law swore me to secrecy. I told her I wouldn’t tell, but it’s driving me crazy. What should I do?
Pam, your fiancé’s sister gave you a wedding gift: she made you an accomplice to adultery. Having compromised her own ethics, she wants to compromise yours as well.
But when she’s found out, what will pop out of her mouth? Pam knew. She will deflect as much blame on you as she can. She got to unburden her soul and what did you get? Nothing.
Nothing from nothing is nothing. Go ahead and tell.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Column for the week of May 4, 2015
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