I am in an arranged marriage. My husband did not want to marry me because I am not beautiful, but his father forced him. Since the marriage, my husband treats me like a family member in the household, not as his wife.

He is a good person, but he is not in love with me. He has sex with me because I want it. We have a daughter. I am a nonworking woman, so I can’t think of leaving my husband. But in this relationship, I can’t live also.

I don’t know what to do. My parents do not support me. Please give me a solution.

~ Dhriti

Dhriti, someone said a problem without a solution is not a problem. It’s a fact. People cannot live decades without having someone who loves them. That’s a fact and it goes for both of you. But we are getting ahead of ourselves.

Other than him falling in love with you, you have boxed us out of all solutions. You say you cannot leave because you don’t work and cannot change your parents’ minds. Yet you want to change your husband’s mind and make him feel the most intimate emotion toward you.

You can’t have it both ways. In arguing that you cannot change your parents’ minds, you must admit you cannot change his mind.

Only changed circumstances allow for answers to your problem. You are a nonworking woman. Change that if you can. Whether it means getting a job, or getting a skill and more education so you can get a job, work toward that.

Your parents don’t support you. Show them your point of view. Perhaps tell them, “If I gain skills and get a job, will you support me if I end this marriage?” Finally, there is your husband. In what will he support you? In what can you be cocreators?

If he loved you, you would be okay with the marriage. But you would not be okay if he was nasty or mean. Then you would tell us, “I don’t love this guy, and they forced me to marry him.” That’s your husband’s situation. The most one can expect in a forced marriage is, long years down the road, the other party comes to a grudging acceptance. The worst is they loathe what life has done to them.

Your actual question is, how do I make my husband fall in love with me?

Search the internet and you will find countless “scientific” ways to make this happen. But the literature on making someone fall in love with you shares one characteristic. It’s drivel. It follows this form: people in love do these things; if you do these things, you will be in love.

That’s like saying, zebras have stripes. If you had stripes, you would be a zebra. Here’s a bucket of paint.

We know of no way to turn this into a Bollywood love story of two people drawn together by kismet. Neither of you will be able to live without love. If either of you cheats, it will only make matters worse.

What you feel now is a comeuppance for going along with this arranged marriage. Arranged marriages are often done to a third party’s gain, and only they profit by it. This son was forced to marry you for a reason that benefited his father.

Either you have a problem with a difficult solution, or you have a problem without a solution, which is a fact. Which will it be?

~ Wayne & Tamara

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Wayne & Tamara answer as many letters as they possibly can.

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