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Direct Answers – Vacation’s Over

Vacation’s Over

I don’t remember meeting my boyfriend, but he always says the minute he saw me he had to find a way to get me into his life.

Five years ago we started dating. Here’s the catch. He travels for work so our relationship has always been long distance. Add to that, he is legally separated from his wife but not legally divorced.

We travel together about once a month, no less than four days at a time. It’s been trying but so worth it. I absolutely love this man with my entire heart and soul. But two years ago I found myself unsatisfied with the amount of time together and met another guy.

He was local, available and blatantly pursued me. After an argument with my boyfriend I gave in. This guy was aware of my boyfriend and our relationship, and he respected that I was torn. One thing led to another and it turned physical.

About three months into the new relationship, I seriously wanted to cancel a preplanned vacation with my old boyfriend. Instead, I headed to the destination with every intention to let him down easy.

But the moment I laid eyes on him and felt his kiss I knew I could never leave him. I never told him of my infidelity. Since then we have been stronger than ever.

Or so I thought. About six weeks ago we planned a weekend together at a halfway point. My boyfriend called and said the weekend is cancelled because the check-in time is too late, the hotel charges too much and all that is too much to put up with just to be with me.

Since then he has been moody and distant. Two weeks ago he sent me a text out of the blue asking if I would consider a threesome. He already has the other woman in mind, he says she’s willing and he calls her a sex toy. I honestly thought it was a joke until he got mad and defensive.

He said it’s not about sex or another woman. It’s about us finding a way to fall in love again and work out our problems.

Since then he’s been calling and texting constantly, asking if I am okay and telling me he loves and misses me. I am beyond torn. I feel this is karmic retribution for my infidelity because it’s basically a mirror image of what I did.

~ Nadia

Nadia, being with someone who doesn’t get the divorce done doesn’t shorten the time until you are together. It lengthens it. You sleep with a married man, and in his man’s heart he doesn’t respect you.

No man who loves a woman would ever suggest a threesome to her. When he said he wanted to find a way to fall in love with you again, did you miss what he said? He admitted he does not love you now. In all likelihood this is the final degradation before he dumps you.

This isn’t how you treat someone you plan to marry. This is how you treat your car before you put it in a demolition derby.

Two years ago you knew the relationship was wrong. That is why you got involved with another man. Then you went back to him. He was the bad habit you couldn’t break, like biting your fingernails. You must confess to yourself, the smart, logical and reasonable part of you, that you didn’t want this married man.

Now, because you didn’t tell him you are done with him, he thinks he can sweet-talk you to get what he wants before he tells you it is over.

For five years you sexcationed together. You think this is karmic retribution for cheating on him. It is not. It is karmic retribution for cheating with him. You are entitled to a good, satisfying relationship, but it can never happen with this man.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Column for the week of January 25, 2016

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