He’s lived with me six months. The love of my life, at least I thought. Been seeing him two years. When we met he was in a marriage of nine years. He said he was unhappy and not in love anymore.
Those two could not have children, which he desired greatly. They divorced, then we became us. Just us, I thought. Still, she called all the time. He would say he felt sorry for her. Maybe I felt the same, until a year later when she and I talked. Come to find out they had been seeing each other.
We don’t live in the same town. When he left weekends, I was stupid enough to believe he was staying with friends. I never thought I could hurt so bad, though it wasn’t bad enough to stop him from moving in with me because he said he wanted me.
Everything was fine until two months ago. She started calling again.
He refused to quit talking to her. Said he was doing nothing wrong. To top it all off, he has a drinking problem which I do not have and she does. I want nothing more in life than to have his children and a happy family, without her or a case of beer.
I want him to quit running back and forth whenever some little thing goes wrong. Last Friday he left and was gone all weekend with “friends,” not answering his phone. I sat at home all weekend waiting for him to come home with a new lie.
Me? I’m 24. He’s 32. One more thing. The first four months of our relationships were perfect. He and I had no beer until the day she called. He used to want lots out of life and had goals. Now he hates everything and finds no reason to live.
It’s funny. She got everything in the divorce. Numerous times she said she would never take him back and only wanted to pay him back for leaving her.
Heidi, in 1886 Dr. Philippe Tissie diagnosed the first recorded case of a “mad traveler.” Mad travelers, according to Tissie, were people with a compulsion to travel even though they had no destination. The man Tissie saw could walk 70 kilometers a day without knowing where he was going or why he was going there.
It’s as if you are in pursuit of a mad traveler. This man has no destination in life, and you are on an endless journey chasing him.
You’d like to blame his ex-wife. True, she’s calling. But he’s going. Not being able to have a child doesn’t negate his physical and emotional attraction to her, and as a drinking buddy she is even more attractive to him.
That’s reality, not the marriage, house and children you imagine. Why do we so poorly understand others? Because most of us see the world in terms of our own needs and wants.
A famous linguist said, “The map is not the territory.” What he meant was the map of reality in our head is not the same as the way things actually are. One of our tasks in life is to put the two into agreement.
This man is on an endless walkabout. He’s not boyfriend material let alone husband and father material. We simply can’t make people be who we want them to be. We need to find someone who, in their natural state, is in step with us.
Being a mad traveler is rare, but chasing the wrong person, as you are, is unfortunately all too common.
Wayne & Tamara
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