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Direct Answers – Failed Ascent

I am 27, with two young children. I recently separated from my husband, seeking divorce. My husband was never home because he is a workaholic.

Four months ago I met a man at my workplace. He came for a doctor’s appointment. He chatted and flirted with me, and I found myself extremely attracted to him. Before he left he asked for my number.

I never give out my number, but that day I decided to be brave and give it to him. Before I did I warned him I am going through a separation. He leaned in and told me so is he.

Thinking I’d found a kindred spirit, I typed in my digits. We began spending time together: walks in the park, lunches, movies. My husband and I have a custody agreement, and on days my children were with my husband, I saw him.

I spoke of my struggles with my husband and he told me about his situation. He is married to a woman here on a green card. She doesn’t want to become a citizen because she will lose citizenship in her own country. Nobody but their parents know they are married.

She lives in California and he lives in New York City. He said he came here because she caught him cheating.

Rather quickly we became sexually involved, yet he turned cold after we were done. It made me feel dirty and cheap, and I told him I don’t want to sleep with him anymore. A few days later he said he wants to work things out with his wife and wants us to be friends. I felt utterly used.

By this time I managed to fall head over heels for him. Out of fear of losing him, I agreed. It didn’t last long. In less than a week we found ourselves in bed and a pattern formed. We’d say we were not going to have sex, only to fail a few days later.

I was seeking him for companionship, and he was seeking me for sex when the mood struck him. I realized too late, when I was sobbing in bed, he will never feel the same way towards me.

I know I have to cut free from him but feel I can’t until I confess to his wife. My motives are not completely pure. I won’t pretend I don’t want to hurt him back, because I do.

~ Camille

Camille, earlier this year a Google executive was killed in an avalanche on Mt. Everest. Last year this same man was almost killed in another avalanche on Everest, and as many people know, there are so many dead bodies on the mountain they serve as trail markers.

Not to be callous, but when life sends us a message, we need to pay attention.

You let your need for another man cloud your vision. When he said he was in a bicoastal marriage of convenience no one knows about, you should have asked him to repeat that. Who are you? James Bond?

When he said his wife caught him cheating, you should have said, “Give me your phone so I can delete my number.” Normally we advise people to tell on cheaters because the victim of cheating needs to know.

But this man appears to be a serial cad. There’s no way to get revenge on a scoundrel unless you can brand the letter A on their forehead. We doubt his wife, if he has a wife, would care if you told her.

You are the one with the problem. You have a problem staying away from him. Tell if you want, but more importantly, learn from this.

Don’t date or have sex with anyone while you, or they, are still married. Admit to yourself, “I made a mistake, I got tricked, I learned my lesson. I’m not going to give him another thought. This wasn’t real.”

~ Wayne & Tamara

Column for the week of October 5, 2015

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