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Direct Answers – Half a Marriage

My wife and I have been married two years and have a son, nine months. In our country, sex before marriage is totally not accepted.

I am 30, she is 24. We met four years ago and started dating. Like other couples, we flirted, kissed and got a little physical. Several months later, while hiking in the woods, we got more physical and I accidentally caused her to lose her virginity.

We never planned for this to happen. I was totally scared and didn’t know what to do. She was like, “It’s okay, don’t worry, don’t let this affect our relationship even if things don’t work out.”

After that everything was great and we got engaged a year before our marriage. We had ups and downs like any other married couple. She always says I don’t talk much when I come home, and yes, I am not a talkative person and maybe took her for granted.

Since we met she’s always said she doesn’t believe in love. She believes in actions and happiness. Two weeks ago she came to me crying, saying she is not happy anymore and doesn’t love me. She says she tried to fix things, but every time she talks to me I get better and things go great for two months and then I get back to the way I was before.

She said she pretended to be strong, even when she lost her virginity, and only married me because she was young and afraid her parents would find out. She never told me that before.

She says she will take care of the house, cook for me and take care of our son. She wants me not to ask for more than that. I should mention that she encourages another friend, who had a crush on her before we met, to continue to contact her. She compares me to him.

I am so deeply in love with her and would do anything to fix our marriage, but she said I can’t. She says she doesn’t want me to get her involved in anything concerning my own life and not to interfere in her life as well.

I learned the hard way. I didn’t know better before. I didn’t know her needs. I neglected her and I regret that.

~ Damien

Damien, your wife has no right to pretend a marriage to the world, a marriage you don’t have and are not in, while she contacts another man. “You live your life and I will live mine.” We know what that is code for.

When someone loves you, they love you. They don’t say, “You don’t talk to me enough.” You are a normal, quiet guy. She knew that. You haven’t done anything bad to her. Are you supposed to constantly try to win her approval?

That is not what love is.

She doesn’t believe in love. She married you because you two fooled around. Treating her like a princess won’t remedy that.

She doesn’t want sex with you because she doesn’t love you. She didn’t tell you beforehand why she married you, and now she blames you. She blames you for what she did. That can happen, and you can love someone who does not love you.

Why does she want to stay married? Because she gets something out of it. But she can’t act without regard for you. Divorce is the only way to correct this. If divorce seems inconceivable, talk to her parents. Tell them, this is what your daughter is doing.

There is a certain kind of person with a certain pattern of behavior. Once they blame someone else, they feel they are free to do whatever they want. They’ve made themselves the wronged party.

She married someone she didn’t love. Because you love her you don’t want to see that. But think about it. What have you done to deserve this?

~ Wayne & Tamara

Column for the week of November 2, 2015

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