Two years ago, I began an affair with a married man. We fell deeply in love and I truly believed I was the love of his life. His dilemma was that he had a 4-year-old son with his wife.
I know I shared his heart with his son, which is one of the reasons I love him. I knew his son came first, as it should be. We talked about our future together and marriage, but on the same note, he would also allude to the fact that I was not worth losing his son over.
We do consider each other more than a boyfriend/girlfriend. I often refer to him as my fiancé.
Earlier this year, a person I knew in grade school contacted me on social media. After several weeks, some of the conversations turned inappropriate. I did not tell the other man I was seeing someone. I even invited him to my house to have a few drinks, when family and friends were over.
Alcohol was involved, and he spent the night. When I went to show him where he would be sleeping, he took advantage of the situation. I chose to keep it from my fiancé. I even lied when it got brought up, but things boiled to a head and everything came out.
I was caught in a web of lies and humiliation. I ruined his trust in me and lost the future we planned. It even came out that he had bought me a ring and planned to talk to my parents and leave his wife.
We still both love each other more than anything, but I hurt him beyond words. He still wants me to be the mother of his children, but in his pain, he is throwing other parts of my past in my face and using it against me. He keeps asking questions about my infidelity, and I have answered all of them.
Is there any way for us to get over this? I need him and love him to no end. He taught me how to love and he is still the only future I see. But is this all too big? He is in a very dark place now. We are lost and I do not know how to bring him back to the light.
Kim, not only is he not your fiancé, he is another woman’s husband. He used his son as an excuse why he would not leave his wife. That meant, from the beginning, he had a plan. You would always be no more than his bit on the side. It’s too convenient for him to now say he had a ring and was about to ask your parents.
If you had inappropriate conversations with the grade school friend prior to inviting him over, where do you think he thought this was going? And why were you talking to him anyway? Perhaps, deep in your heart, you knew the relationship with this married man was going nowhere.
Chances are you put yourself in this predicament. Now the man cheating on his wife is kicking you around for cheating on him. But who is your “fiancé” to complain? He is himself a cheater.
To most people, going to the light means turning toward a higher self, but your letter has nothing to do with goodness. You guys were crawling around in the dark and deceiving people. The only way to get to the light is to end this relationship and be honest with yourself.
You were in an inappropriate relationship. Surprise, surprise. You acted inappropriately with another man. Not only that, you admit to more in your past.
What you need is a fresh start away from this married man. What you need is to follow the normal character rules of life. Another woman’s husband is not your fiancé any more than your neighbor’s house is your house.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Column for the week of December 9, 2019