Direct Answers – Calling The Kettle Black, Sins of The Father


Calling The Kettle Black

I am a male, 42. My mother cheated on my father with our family doctor. The doctor’s surgery was next door to my parents’ shop, and she used to go next door at lunch to chat with the doctor, who became a family friend.

This lasted three years before dad found out. The family fell apart. Dad sold everything and moved to England, where he found another family and barely had contact with me. Mum moved in with a guy unconnected to the breakup.

Every time I start to have feelings for a girl, I find a reason to end it. I feel my mother has ruined my mind and my core trust of females.

After seeing my latest girl for six months, she told me she has a child and on paper is still married to the father. This child lives with the father. My girlfriend said she didn’t want to tell me in case I dumped her. Now my mother has weighed in, telling me to get rid of the liar et cetera.

All I can think is, what a hypocrite. Who is she to preach about lying? How can I get over this issue with my mother?

~ Curt

Curt, your father had every right to walk away from your mother, but he shouldn’t have walked away from you. In that, he was wrong. But sometimes people are so hurt by betrayal they can’t have any contact with the one who betrayed them. Contact with you would have kept your father in contact with her.

So he made a break and moved on with his life. You haven’t. You are still telling your mother intimate details of your life.

Your mother has no standing to comment on your relationship with your girlfriend. She only happens to be right because she may want any woman in your life out of your life.

But you can’t continue a relationship with your girlfriend. Her rationale, that you would have dumped her if you knew the truth, is not a decision she can make for you.

Keep your mother out of your intimate life. Know that it is never too late to have a life. Even if you were 89 and wanted to have a life, you could still make a life.

In dating, be honest. Be upfront. Make things clear. “I will always be honest with you. I will not lie. Lying and betrayal are unforgivable. I won’t do it to you; I won’t accept it if you do it to me.”

~ Wayne & Tamara

Sins Of The Father

I’m a 21-year-old girl. My father cheated on my mom growing up, and I couldn’t bear to visit him because I couldn’t bear to look at the lady he cheated with. I felt I was betraying my mom.

My mom married a wonderful man who took the place of my real dad. Weekend visits with him ended because my real dad didn’t want to see me after I asked my stepdad to adopt me.

Now I am in my first relationship that began when I was 20 in college. He is the perfect guy. Oh my, is he perfect in every way. But feeling secure about this makes me disrespect it. I still talk to other guys and even kiss them.

Why do I do this when I know how much my real dad hurt my mom?

~ Tabitha

Tabitha, when you make a choice for yourself as a parent, you often make a choice for your children. That’s what happened to you.

You are semi-cheating on your boyfriend, which means you are mimicking your father. Your father had a contract with your mother. You have an informal contract with your boyfriend. You are deceiving him.

Other guys aren’t the issue. You are the issue. If you aren’t sure you love this man, then you don’t. Let him go so this doesn’t become about your cheating.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Column for the week of February 9, 2015

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