I’m 18 and in somewhat of a serious relationship. I know being this young I probably don’t know as much as I think I do.
My boyfriend and I met during my sophomore year. We talked for a while then made our relationship exclusive. I felt so happy and at ease with him, until I learned he cheated on me with a girl at our school.
I was devastated. I felt like such a fool because everyone knew about it except me. I broke up with him as fast as I could. I didn’t accept any explanations. I just wanted out.
He dated the girl he cheated with and stayed with her almost two years. Throughout those two years, I had countless boyfriends and some one-night stands. I longed for that feeling he gave me. I couldn’t find it.
Finally, they broke up and he came back to me. I tried my best not to give in because of all the hurt he caused, but I ended up giving him another chance. Our relationship went great, and he had nothing to do with his ex. Yet I still felt the hurt inside and feared it might happen again.
His ex-girlfriend moved away for college, which made me feel better, until she started posting on the common social networks we all use daily. She claims my boyfriend and her talk all the time, he’s going to visit her, and they are going to start a whole new life in another state.
When I asked my boyfriend, he told me she was just “trying to get into your head” and “make us fight.” I asked him to tell her to delete those messages. He told me to ignore them, but how can I ignore something that hurts so much?
I kept asking him to tell her in front of me, but he made a big deal about saying he didn’t want to. It gave me a feeling maybe he doesn’t tell her to take the messages down because maybe they are all true. I dropped the subject because it wasn’t going anywhere.
I love him so much and I’m so scared to lose him, but this bothers me every day. As much as I try to ignore it, it’s stuck in the back of my mind. I know you can’t tell me if he’s lying or if she’s just trying to create drama. I’m not asking for that. I’m asking how to get my peace of mind back.
Hadley, we give you credit for your first response to cheating. It was the right response. He cheated, you found out, and you dropped him without allowing him to give excuses. Then you moved on.
Now you must come to a grownup understanding of your own feelings. Women hold on to feelings of love for their first love, often no matter how much that person betrayed them or how big a rat they were. It is a basic biological reaction.
You think you love him because he was your first love. That’s all. That’s why you gave him a second bite at the apple, your relationship. But the apple is rotten. It has been permanently tainted by his behavior. The recurring feelings of hurt and betrayal you have will always be there.
You made a reasonable request. He chose to protect her, not you. The feelings you had toward him only existed prior to his cheating. The feelings you have now are pain and fear. There is one key to getting back your peace of mind. Understand that your first reaction was the right reaction.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Direct Answers for the week of March 25, 2019
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