Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am. What a great husband I have. Well, this great husband who provides for us and makes a very nice income also makes me feel like an unpaid maid, chauffeur, nanny, and most upsetting, a prostitute.
His feelings only come when he has an urge. Not just sexually but with the children as well, which really bothers me. He leaves for work before we get up and arrives home just before bedtime or after. I feel like hurling the next unsuspecting person who tells me how great he is through a wall.
Maybe this seems vague, but it is the basis for me wanting a divorce. Even when he is home it is like having another child, not a partner. He feels he works hard all day and I should be happy he comes home. I would rather be alone.
Do I sound like a spoiled brat? I’ve been brought up to never give up, to win no matter what the cost. But at 36 I want more, not sexually but intellectually. Just someone who is mature or at least has reached puberty. I want a divorce but everyone thinks I am nuts.
I’m miserable. I don’t want to hurt him. I just want out.
Alyssa, in an H.G. Wells’ novel, a man discovers how to become invisible. Unfortunately, the process turns out to be irreversible, and in the end he discovers invisibility is more of a disadvantage than an advantage. Perhaps your husband will make the same discovery.
But we won’t nail him for being like a big kid at home. It’s his only “me” time. He’s tired and bed is calling. He lives his life away from you, and when he comes home, the little energy he has left may be all he has to offer you and the kids. You see an exhausted zombie, not a husband, lover or soul mate.
Your job, unlike his job, is the home. There’s a discrepancy in dollar value here, but it’s not that your work lacks value. Your efforts don’t spend. They don’t create dollars. As valuable as your contribution is, it doesn’t pay the mortgage.
So you both have a leg to stand on, and on the day you get fed up and file on him, you will both in your own head make the case “I am the one who has been wronged.”
We can’t tell if your husband is a workaholic because he is a workaholic, or because of your lifestyle, or because he does not love you. If it’s the lifestyle, it needs to be cut back to make time for the family. But he could be staying away purposely to stay away.
It’s obvious neither of you is happy. That’s something that must change. Before you pull the plug, sit down with him and look at your life together.
What’s the best way to approach him? Approach him in love. I miss you. I want you. I need you. What can we do?
At least give him the chance H.G. Wells’ fictional character never had. See if together you can find a way to reverse his invisibility.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Column for the week of April 11, 2016
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