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Direct Answers – Deadlock

She gave me an ultimatum: either chose Bob or choose her.

I met Bob in college playing video games and selling items. He graduated with an engineering degree and moved away. By that time, I had a child with my girlfriend and didn’t have time to invest in buying and selling. The margin was too low, and with a daughter I needed money fast so I did the 9/5 thing.

Two years later Bob moved back. I was in a steady job and started a small business wholesaling video game consoles. It wasn’t doing well. Meanwhile he was testing business ideas.

From college on Bob had a girlfriend, though he always had women on the side. I told him to break up with his girlfriend so he would not feel guilty. The truth is he tells women he’s not in it for the long run and not to get too attached. Me, once in a relationship, I am committed.

Fast forward nine years to my latest love. Two years ago we bonded over friendship and I knew she could be the one. By this time Bob was successful in his ventures and coaching people how to do what he does. I introduced my girlfriend to him because she wanted to do something with money she had.

She saw he was smart and passionate about making money. Eventually she pushed me to do what he was doing. Personally I didn’t think I could do it. She encouraged me to learn, and as I spent more time with her, I developed a passion for success.

Her only concern was that he goes through women like it is nothing. After I told her he phoned one girl while another girl was in his presence, she said she had a panic attack because she knew the feeling of being each woman.

We argued. She encouraged me to spend more time getting down the business fundamentals. I repeated, again and again, I only want a wife and a stable relationship. Bob’s one character flaw is that he’s a Casanova, but she argues nonstop that he will turn me into something I am not willing to be.

I want to choose her, but my circle of friends is small. There are just two other people in my inner circle and I hold them dear, like family.

~ Nicholas

Nicholas, you think her anxiety attack is over something you aren’t doing—cheating. No, her anxiety attack is over you not doing what she wants. She wants to lock you up before you even commit a crime.

You weren’t interested in your friend’s scheme, and she shoved you into it. She was not so upset with his treatment of women that she didn’t want to profit from him. Her moral argument is flimsy. Now she wants to shove you out of your friendship with him.

If she has panic attacks over something you are not doing, she should stop dating you. Giving into someone else’s fears and foibles does not make them better. It makes them worse. Giving into someone who is irrational does not make them rational. It feeds their irrationality.

She’s not your mom and you are not in grade school. But she wants to tell you, “You can’t be friends with that boy.” Ultimately, if she gets you to do this, she will not respect you and you will not respect yourself.

You are not an extension of her desires. If you don’t stand up for your core beliefs, someday you will wonder, how did I get here?

~ Wayne & Tamara

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Wayne & Tamara answer as many letters as they possibly can.

Direct Answers - Relationship Advice Column



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