I hope you can tell me what to do next. Please be as blunt as possible. I need to hear something that will take me to the next level.
Over the course of a month or so, I’ve liked this girl I work with on Sundays only. She delivers newspapers, and I’m the district manager in her area when the regular manager is off. Since I’ve known her, we have talked extensively. I’ve been to her house several times, and once we went out to dinner and an arts show.
She is divorced with an 18-month-old son. I know she knows I like her. The signs are there. I talked to her on the phone today and asked what she looks for in a guy. She said she is not looking for a guy now and wants to get her life back together. That means finishing school to become a teacher.
First and foremost, she said, my son comes first. It’s an important thing to her, as it should very well be. My problem is I like this girl a lot. When I heard that all she wants right now is friends, it really broke my heart. What should I do next? I don’t want to lose her by going about this the wrong way.
Reid, what is dating? It is like shopping at a clothing store. You see all the racks and all the clothes. How do you choose? First, you pick out a few things, based solely on looks. That’s a pretty color, that one is stylish, that one is really dramatic, that one looks comfortable.
Then you go to a changing room and try them on. If an item is too short or too tight, you are done. When a person is right for you, as is, you proceed. You can’t think you get to change them to fit your desire. Dating is not a tailor’s shop. “This person would be right if I could lengthen them a bit here and take them in a bit there.”
With this woman you are in a boss/underling relationship. Her ability to tell you she is not interested might be dampened by the fear she could be jeopardizing her job. She may be trying to give you the mildest brushoff because she is afraid to reject you outright. She has her son to consider.
Though you’ve been out together, she made it clear they were not dates. What she told you is not what a woman says if she wants a man to hang around.
She nicely, elegantly and perfectly told you no. She won’t allow you to pull her off the rack and go to the changing room, because she’s not shopping.
It is not a fault in her if you won’t acknowledge what you are being told. The rule she follows also applies to you. You cannot accommodate yourself to a woman just because she wants you.
For current to flow in an electrical circuit, things must be connected in the right way. When there is a break in the wire or a switch is turned off, a complete circuit does not exist. The current does not flow. Relationships are the same way.
If this woman becomes interested or changes her mind, she knows where to find you. For now, accept her no and move on. You asked for words to take you to the next level. These are the words: you can accept nothing less than the woman with whom you form a complete circuit.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Column for the week of April 22, 2019
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Wayne & Tamara answer as many letters as they possibly can.