Usually I give advice to others. But I cannot come to a conclusion about my current relationship.
My boyfriend and I have been together two years. When we first met, I did not want to be in a relationship. I planned on living my life by myself and traveling the world alone. Max and I became best friends. He was the only person in three years that struck an emotion in me.
That scared me. I always said, in the end love causes more hurt than good. I eventually gave into my feelings, and we started our relationship. Things went wonderful despite those little things you start to realize about each other’s personalities, that you did not know in the beginning.
I come from a very affectionate family. We express our feelings through talking and being affectionate towards one another. That is how I know I’m being loved. Max grew up very different. He is half Asian and his mother never showed him love. So of course he doesn’t know how to relay love to me very well.
Other than that he is everything I would look for in a man. He is responsible, committed, hardworking, loyal, smart, ambitious, with good morals and a good heart.
For the whole time we have been together I’ve tried to work on this with him. It’s gotten to the point where I’m extremely unhappy because I feel I’m in an empty relationship. I do not want that. I want a soulful connection.
Max feels we have one. He feels he has worked to make me feel loved and emotionally satisfied. But he hasn’t. I think he doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong, even though I’ve been specific about what I need in the relationship. He takes expressing what I need from him as bringing up the bad points in him.
It drives me crazy because I just want him to understand my intentions. I tell him if we don’t fix the things that keep us from growing together, our relationship will die. And that’s what is happening.
We are both hurt and confused. My heart tells me to try and work things out, though I’ve tried for a very long time. But I feel like I’m the only one doing the work. My mind tells me to leave, and no matter if we get counseling, it still won’t change who he really is.
Then I think to myself he has all the qualities I look for in a man except for this. I know he is a good person, but it’s hard for me to continue like this. I feel if we were supposed to be together I wouldn’t have to go through all this stress just to feel loved by him.
What it comes down to is, it doesn’t take a lot to make him feel loved. I, on the other hand, am high maintenance. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. We are just on two different spectrums in that area. This is affecting the way I act towards him, and I am always mad at him and frustrated.
I don’t want to be that kind of a girlfriend or that kind of person. I don’t want to act hateful towards someone. I don’t know if it’s worth it to try counseling or should I just break up?
Danika, your letter raises more questions than we can answer in one column. So let us give you our complete answer next week.
~ Wayne & Tamara
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