I have been married seven years to the love of my life. Throughout our lives together, my husband has been supportive, affectionate and a real partner in taking care of our family. We have had an active sex life, though his libido has always outdone mine.
We still manage to have sex about 3-4 times a week, not nearly as often as he would like. He tries to talk me into some kind of sexual act every night. Though that is a problem, as I am feeling pressured and he is feeling gypped, it is not our biggest problem.
My husband and I have a very imaginative fantasy life, again, his being more vast than mine. He has this recurring fantasy of seeing me with other men. So strong is his fantasy that he actually talked me into it several years back. We tried it twice, I felt horribly guilty afterwards. He thought it was great.
We vowed never to do it again due to my moral issues. He kept to that but now, suddenly, he is trying to talk me into it again, almost daily. I have explained to him hundreds of times it is against my morals. I cannot do it again, ever.
He tries every angle he can think of. I was actually considering it for a couple of days because I began to worry about our marriage. I feel pressured and disrespected. I’m concerned my lack of compliance is going to send him searching for someone who will fulfill his fantasies.
He claims our marriage is not in trouble, but I feel he is not fully disclosing his feelings. I even worry he may suffer from a sexual addiction. This issue has to be resolved or I am afraid we may not make it.
Gigi, sex addict, or self-centered baby? Mommy, mommy, mommy can I, can I, can I? We see no consideration for you in this letter. You give him sex three or four days a week, but he wants it all seven. You are like his sex toy, and the sex toy is not cooperating.
Someone who loves you doesn’t do this to you.
You have every reason to be concerned. How much more can you disrespect a human being than to disrespect their person and their values? Everything he wants is what he will have. You’ve met him as much as you can, and it isn’t good enough.
He can be that way. He just can’t be that way with you. Tell him your fantasy is to have a husband who loves and respects his wife and won’t do things which make her feel pathetic and disgusting.
There is a real danger for a female in being dragged into some man’s sexual fantasies. Some men don’t seem to understand that destroys a woman’s feelings for a man. Once that switch gets flipped, a woman is done with the man. Forever.
You are a fully formed human being deserving of respect, with rights and every right to hold your values.
One more time put your foot down. Make your position perfectly clear. Let him know, if your refusal is not acceptable to him, then you need a divorce. Make it clear you will not permit him to expose you to STDs.
This is not on you. It’s his choice. You get to decide what is right for you. You get to value your own self-respect. If he doesn’t, he can make other choices and you can move on.
We have never had a letter like this turn out well. If the wife stays, she becomes a blow-up doll. When she finally walks away, her self-esteem is in tatters. The more you give in, the more he will ask for.
Why are you writing? Because you look in the mirror and cannot stand what you see. The looming end of a marriage.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Send letters to: [email protected] , or Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield M
Column for the week of May 5, 2014