HomeDirect AnswersDirect Answers – Promises, Promises, Learning Curve

Direct Answers – Promises, Promises, Learning Curve

Promises, Promises

For five years I’ve lived with my partner, a successful surgeon. Four years ago, she asked me to marry her and bought me a ring. She says she wants to take care of me and wants me to work part-time so we have time to travel.

My partner owns two houses, a condo and other property. We bought the house we live in when I met her, but everything is in her name. She’s said numerous times she will have a will drawn up quitclaiming the other house to me. That has still not happened.

She treats me like a queen most of the time, but I am worried if something happens to her I will be destitute. Recently, we bought a new boat, and she said, “Happy Birthday.” She said my name was going on the title, only to find out today it’s not.

She says she’s afraid if I get behind on my bills, the boat would be taken away from her. But I pay my bills, and if I’m not on the loan, that couldn’t happen.

We live in a state that does not recognize gay marriage, so I have no legal rights. Who’s to say when they pass a marriage bill she won’t get cold feet? Am I wrong to expect something should be in my name?

I do love her, but I don’t know what to do.

~ Amy

Amy, if you put the squeeze on her, are you going to get your name on some property, or an eviction notice?

It’s not like this is something she doesn’t understand. She knows perfectly well what she is doing, and she chooses to do it.

It appears you are the victim of an emotional Ponzi scheme. It’s all promises, backed by nothing. But in the deepest center of your being, what do you know? “If she loved me, she’d do this. She won’t do this. She doesn’t love me.” We can’t change that.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Learning Curve

I’ve never had a relationship with a girl other than being casual friends. I’ve had several crushes, but whenever I thought or even hoped someone liked me, I got burned.

It’s like an ongoing curse. I’m embarrassed because this sounds dumb, but I’m in love with my professor. Thankfully the semester is almost over! I try to make her laugh, but I don’t know if she’s that into me. There’s no ring on her finger.

I shouldn’t be a stranger to this misery, but it stings. Perhaps I’ll just leave her a thank you note when the course is over and quickly leave.

~ Steve

Steve, are you setting yourself up to fail?

Your teacher is not there to date. For her, it’s a work relationship. A hierarchical relationship. A power relationship. She shouldn’t be into you or any other student. Teachers generally aren’t supposed to get romantically involved with their students, and often there are rules against it.

Maybe you are a late bloomer, and as a late bloomer, you are hungry for affection. So hungry you are looking for love in the wrong place.

We knew one man, poorly married, who developed a fixation on Stevie Nicks. He attended as many of her concerts as he could, even when they were hundreds of miles away. At one concert he put a large bouquet on the stage, alongside scores of others. When Stevie came onstage, she walked directly to his flowers and picked them up. He was thrilled.

But he and Stevie Nicks will never have a relationship.

A better place to start is with your classmates, though you may be out in the world before your first true relationship happens. But leave your professor alone. Otherwise it will put you both in an awkward situation.

A good rule to follow is: if you can’t tell if someone is into you, they aren’t.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Send letters to: [email protected] , or Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield MO 65801.

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