I am a 25-year-old gay man. I guess I am sort of a new breed in our community being that I married my partner of three years in Chicago in 2012, and we are now getting divorced. Things just didn’t work out and we drifted apart.
We ultimately decided it was best to end it now rather than be 10 years in and miserable. It was a pretty clean break.
I recently decided to move back home to be closer to my family. I hadn’t seen my nephew since he was three days old, and he is now three, and my niece is growing into a beautiful little girl. I’ve missed out on so much.
In the process of moving I was looking for a place to live, and a friend of mine I had been romantic with many years ago was looking for a roommate. We’d been friendly after our brief romance, so I thought it wouldn’t be a problem.
After an hour under the same roof, all the feelings I had for him came flooding back. It took me by surprise, but I felt as if no time had passed. I always regretted not pursuing our relationship. He was my “one that got away.”
We’ve been living together for about a week and are intimate. I’ve slept in his bed every night since I’ve been here. It feels great, for now.
My biggest problem is he has a boyfriend. I knew this before it started and I know I shouldn’t have let it happen, but it has. He apparently feels the same way about me, and I don’t know what to do about the fact he has a boyfriend.
Their relationship is long distance and they don’t see one another very often, but he will be coming to town this weekend for his birthday. He will be staying here, with us, and I am sure this means they will share a bedroom.
I know this is going to hurt me tremendously. I am not sure what I should do. The responsible adult in me says move out and remove myself from the situation, but I am afraid I could lose something potentially good.
Luke, you’ve given yourself the answer. The adult in you said, Move out. You don’t get to be the one who is hurt. You aren’t the one who is hurt. You knew your roommate was involved. The person hurt is the boyfriend who didn’t know what was going on.
Do you want someone who would do this to their boyfriend? “My end-all and be-all is someone who cheats.”
What really is your pain? You know just how screwed this is. If your roommate dumps his boyfriend because of you, it shows he can turn the switch off one person and turn it on another. There’s nothing much there if he is someone who will cheat.
You know how it should have gone. You met him, you found out within hours you still have feelings for him, and you should have said, “We can’t do this because you have a boyfriend.” Then you should have removed yourself from the situation.
You give the other man the option to end his relationship because he doesn’t have deep feelings for his boyfriend, or to decide he has those feelings.
There’s no Erase, Erase. There is no undoing what you’ve done. Therein lies the pain. It tainted you. It stained the relationship. Put yourself in the long-distance boyfriend’s shoes. How would it feel to be him?
This is not as simple as kicking someone out of the bed and taking their place. If you can do it to them, someone else can and will do it to you. Without trust and fidelity, there is no love.
You worried you would lose something potentially good. You should have worried you were creating something actually bad.
~ Wayne & Tamara
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