Should you love the one that loves you or the one you love?
Four months ago I broke up with my live-in boyfriend of five years. In the past he cheated on me a few times and I felt he may be doing it again. We were also having small financial problems, so I decided to move out and end the relationship.
For a while I felt relieved not having to worry if he would come home and lie. Within those four months I met someone who cares about me and spends time with me. He took me on two nice trips. Along with gifts, he is an open, loving person. He’s everything I waited for my ex to become.
The problem is recently I’ve run into my ex a lot. Yesterday we had lunch together and he asked me to give him another chance. Without me, he realizes, he actually loves me and wants to give our relationship another try. There is so much I feel for him. Being with him seemed right.
My friends and family do not want to hear about it. They do not want me back with him, and they don’t want to see me hurt the man I am dating now. I do care about him, but it is a different feeling than the love I have for my ex.
Tomorrow I’m supposed to look at an apartment for me and my new man. He asked me to marry him, but I haven’t given him an answer. I’m scared if I leave my new boyfriend and go back to my ex, I will be in the same place I was before.
But part of me feels my ex and I really love each other. If I don’t give it one last try, I may regret it for the rest of my life.
Darci, it used to be said that one year in a dog’s life is equal to seven years in a human’s life. Now it’s said that after a dog fully matures, one dog year equals five human years.
In the same way, living with someone for a year must equal dating them for a longer period of time. It’s like dog years. A year of living together must be worth at least three years of dating. If that’s the case, you’ve dated your ex for 15 years.
Many people date a year or two, then get married. You dated him 15 years. What more is there to learn? He wants to give it another try because he remembers the good things that were in it for him when you were together. You should remember every time he cheated and how it made you feel.
You have an unrealistic mental track playing in your head, a track called “I thought he was going to marry me.” But you know enough now to skip the wedding and go right to the divorce.
This new man came along too soon. You hadn’t decamped from the cheater. You need to tell him, after a five year relationship, you need some time off.
It’s sad when we don’t get the job we wanted. But we don’t get to go to a workplace and act like we work there. It’s sad when the person we love doesn’t love us, but we don’t get to act like they do.
You were with your ex 25 dog years. Was he a good dog—loyal and true? Was he man’s best friend? No. He wanted to be every woman’s best friend.
~ Wayne & Tamara
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Wayne & Tamara answer as many letters as they possibly can.