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Direct Answers – Can’t Buy Me Love

I am 26. A year and a half ago I got into an arranged marriage.

I got to know my husband through a family friend. I started to Skype with him on the initial days before my engagement, as he was in Germany. After a couple of days of chatting, my parents and his parents decided to set the engagement date in one month.

I was very much unsure about this. I strongly believed courtship was important before marriage, and I felt this was too soon. A day before my engagement, I met my husband in person. He looked a little nerdy and very robotic.

I am not a person who goes after looks, but of course in an arranged marriage the first impression matters most. When I got home, I felt lost. I was scared and didn’t want my family to feel let down, so I went with the flow. The engagement took place the next day, and the wedding date was set in three months.

I asked to set the marriage later, but no one from my husband’s side agreed.

Here comes my wedding day. With a heavy heart I get married. That night I told my husband let’s not have sex. I am not sure why, but I wasn’t physically attracted towards him.

We honeymooned in Australia. It was an awkward two weeks. I didn’t hold his hand. I didn’t have sex with him. I could not physically connect with him without love, and I tortured myself and my husband at the same time.

He left to go back to Germany, and I went back to my home country. Getting my visa to come through was a major issue. I stopped calling my husband. Over a text message he asked me if everything was okay.

That’s when I burst and told him I don’t like this marriage and don’t want to come live with you. He replied that he is an optimistic person and things are going to go well, which only made me angrier at him.

A year passed, I have my visa, I am in Germany. It’s been a month with my husband and his parents. We barely talk to each other. I feel violent and aggressive towards him. I am not sure why. I hate myself for being that way. In return he has not done anything bad to me.

I told him many times I want to go back home. Everyone asks the same one question, which I am unable to answer. What made you dislike him to the extent of hating him?

~ Lea

Lea, there doesn’t have to be a reason why we love or don’t love. You don’t love him There is nothing anyone can do to make him into someone you will love.

Your husband sounds like a perfectly decent human being. Give him credit for not being violent or forcing you—things which occur in some arranged marriage letters we receive.

Your anger isn’t at him. It is at yourself for going along with this arranged marriage and trying to save face for your family. You are kicking yourself for not standing up for what you felt is right. That’s where the anger and venom come from. That’s the lesson here.

When we make a mistake, the only thing to do is acknowledge it. That’s painful, especially in serious matters. But when we recognize our mistake and go through the pain, we learn a lesson we will never forget. You now know you must act from within yourself and what you know of yourself, not from what anyone else wants.

The more you take this on yourself, the more his family will accept it. You fell for a myth, a fable that is part of your cultural tradition. That’s all. Now move on.

~ Wayne & Tamara

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Wayne & Tamara answer as many letters as they possibly can.

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