I have two questions.
First. I am in a relationship with a man who has been divorced 12 years and never remarried or wanted to, until he met me. His ex-wife doesn’t want anything to do with me. That’s not my problem.
My problem is she keeps calling my fiancé and complaining she knows I am older than him, knows I helped him purchase an expensive truck and knows I don’t have to work. To me that sounds like jealousy, possibly because she is still in love with him.
She is not a threat to me at all, but I wonder if it is wrong for me to friend her on Facebook. It’s obvious she’s looked at my profile and I’ve looked at hers. I would like to private message her and say she is more than welcome to ask me any questions about my life, instead of calling my fiancé to take jabs at me.
Second. My ex-husband has a girlfriend of six weeks. He wants me to be Facebook friends with her. I am all for getting along, especially for the sake of the kids involved, but I thought when a couple divorces, it means you no longer do for the other like you did when you were married.
What boundaries should be honored and how nice is too nice?
Gwen, this is confusing. In the first scenario, you want to friend someone who is nasty and freely give her information she has no right to. Do you think you are superior to her and want to rub her nose in it? What angle are you going for?
In the second scenario, you don’t want to friend someone who is nice but who is involved with your ex. Why can’t you tell your ex-husband, “I’m not your girlfriend’s friend. I think it is improper to friend her until she becomes part of our extended family.”
Following a single principle in both cases is the easiest solution. Friending means a friend. A true friend. No one else qualifies.
~ Wayne & Tamara
A Livestock Auction
I’ve been married 10 months. My husband is a nice guy, sometimes short-tempered, but it doesn’t bother me. Ours was an arranged marriage. I thought as time went by I would start falling for him, but to date, nothing has happened.
He’s a good person and says he loves me, but I feel no attraction toward him and don’t feel like getting physical. When we kiss I feel nothing. My heart is not in this marriage. I am sure I want a divorce, yet I don’t want him to get hurt.
But staying because I don’t want to hurt him is not a good enough reason to continue. Faking it through life, I will hurt myself as well as him. I want to confront him, but first I want to understand why I don’t feel the way he feels about me?
Ria, in an arranged marriage, how much of the way either person acts is honest? How much is role-playing, putting on a good face, going along with the game or making the best of circumstances?
We don’t believe in sticking two people together without love. A woman isn’t a brood mare. You can’t bring just any stallion to her. We are better than that. We are human, not oxen. A marriage where two people are yoked without love is no marriage at all.
You ask why you don’t love him. A better question is, why would you? Have you ever had a guy like you, and you didn’t like him back? It’s the same thing.
Perhaps your husband is going along with tradition. Perhaps he feels he got the better end of the deal. Perhaps, like some men, close enough is good enough for him.
But playing along with the gag will damage you both more than divorce.
~ Wayne & Tamara
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