Until a month ago my relationship was heading toward marriage. I was serious with my boyfriend of 14 months, all the way down to him asking to move in. Everything was great.

Then we went to a bar. I admit I got a little drunk and wound up leaving. He stayed. The following day he was mad. We hashed things out and he was supposed to come over the next day. He called instead. We talked more, and he ended the conversation with “I love you.”

I never heard from him since. He wouldn’t return my phone calls. This was not like him!

So two weeks ago I approached him. He said things weren’t working out, there was no one else, and it’s over. He said he still loved me and didn’t know what he wanted. It ended with a hug and a kiss and a promise to call tomorrow.

Again, nothing. For three whole weeks I cried on my best friend’s shoulder. A week ago she told me the night that I left they were “together.” It just happened, she said. I went nuts.

I went to his house and he was so angry, like it was my fault. He claimed he doesn’t even like her, and he did not even apologize. I left.

For the fourth time a man hurt me. This time I was betrayed by my best friend of 10 years. I know I’ll never forgive my friend, but I’m still in love with my boyfriend. I’m 26 and just found love. Why do people cheat and get mad at the other person as if they cheated? The worst part is I’d take him back if he asked.

~ Desiree

Desiree, the Finnish novelist Samuli Paronen said, “Guilt turns anyone into a prosecutor.” That’s why your boyfriend got mad. Anger was his defensive reaction to stop you in your tracks.Some people misread defensive anger. When they see an accused person get angry, they take it as a sign of innocence. When they see an accused remain calm, they take it as an admission of guilt. Often it is the reverse. The innocent person feels no need to get upset because they know they are blameless.

There is a second defensive reaction in your letter. Unlike the first one, this one involves you. Blaming your best friend for what happened allows you to keep your boyfriend. But he is equally responsible and so not in love with you he had sex with her.

You lost two people from your life. But you and your boyfriend were each in a different relationship. Lots of people in sexual, long-term relationships are not going to get married because one of them does not love the other. It’s convenient, financially advantageous, and comfortable, but they are not in love.

Your boyfriend was looking for an excuse to end the relationship. When you got drunk, you unwittingly gave it to him. He won’t tell you why because all it would do is hurt you more.

It appears your focus is on getting married, not on finding a man who is in love with you. Why can we say that as a fact? Because you would take back a man who is done with you.

Your letter oozes desperation. You mention three men before. If he was the one, why would you mention the three before him? If you say four men pulled this on you, perhaps what you are doing wrong is looking for marriage instead of looking for love.

~ Wayne & Tamara




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