I need your help. I think I already know the answer, but I want a third party to tell me whether I have the right reasons to get divorced. Here’s my story.
I married three years ago. My wife and I met on the shore where we partied together. At the time I just wanted a happy life and to do whatever I wanted. I never wanted to hold her back from whatever she wanted to do.
She is a heavy drinker. She’ll go on binges during the winter where she may be drunk once every two weeks. In the summer, however, she plays in two sports leagues and goes out drinking twice a week. On weekends we party, and she gets drunk again.
As far as children go, although I feel she would be a good disciplinarian, I don’t trust her and don’t see her as the mother of my children. That’s problem number one.
A year ago, I got caught speeding for the third time in 18 months. My driving license was taken away. My job required me to have a license, but since I was doing so well, they worked around it. My wife is a teacher and had the summer off. Rather than drive me to work, her philosophy was, “Why should I suffer because of your screw-up?”
As a side note, I make more than twice what she does, and without me we would not be able to afford the house we live in. For a month and a half my manager took me to work. For a while, two nights a week I slept over at my coworkers’ apartment. My wife drove me to work maybe five or six times over the course of seven months.
Her argument is I am lucky to have a wife who allowed me to sleep over at my coworkers’ apartment, which consisted of two girls. The bottom line is she was unwilling to drive me, even if it meant ridiculous circumstances. That’s problem number two.
Problem three is the sex isn’t that great. She has a very quick bad temper. When it comes out, it brings out the worst in me. I used to be patient. Not anymore.
We do have fun. We go places together and like a lot of the same things, but I don’t see her as a true friend. True friends don’t abandon you in time of need. Call me crazy, but isn’t your wife supposed to be your best friend?
Max, you can’t solve a problem when you can’t determine what the problem is. That is typical of people who stay with an alcoholic. They accept the drinking and talk about other things as if they are the issue.Should she be driving you anywhere?
Your wife serves another master: alcohol. We don’t know why she serves another master, but she has secretly decided to serve that master. The master tells all alcoholics not to change a thing.
She is so secure in her drinking and your tie to her she doesn’t need to help you or worry that you might lose your good job. Belligerence is her protection, and as the master tells her, what’s wrong with having a few drinks?
This has to be left to professionals, who are often people who have been there themselves. Only they know the secret words of the master.
Just as you seem to have accepted her alcoholism, it appears you’ve given up on the idea of being in love, because all you are begging for now is friendship. That’s why you must walk away.
Some alcoholics say, “I never drink before 5 o’clock.” Then they follow it with, “It must be 5 o’clock somewhere.” That expression is flippant but not funny. It is something the spouse and the children of the drunk will never fathom.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Column for the week of January 7, 2018