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Direct Answers – Fade to Black

My boyfriend and I had been together seven years. We spoke on the phone all the time, took vacations together and more.

Then we stopped, not completely, but we didn’t speak on the phone as much or go away as often. I thought this was because of our busy schedules, but when I got through to him on the phone, he was short with me or said he would call back and never did. Later, he was downright rude.

I decided I would never call him again because his actions said, “I don’t want to be with you anymore.” Well, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. But after seven years, I expected him to tell me why. I expected him to say, I found someone else, or, I don’t love you anymore.

That way I could move on. But we never actually “broke up.” I can’t figure out why this bothers me so much. Why did he walk out of my life without a word?

~ Emily

Emily, an old expression says there is a lid for every pot. That’s the whole point of being free. Finding the lid to fit our pot. We want the person we don’t have to change for; we want the person we don’t have to change.

We don’t want someone who wants us to be the person they wish we were. For women this often takes the form of “he has so much potential.” That’s just another version of “I love you for who I want you to be.”

You think knowing his reasons will clear the air or give you a chance to argue your point. But you are probably better off not knowing. When you corner someone who treats you badly, they are likely to lash out.

You have all the knowledge you need. “He was not right for me.” In part you are bothered by the question, what do I tell my friends? But all you need to say is the truth. You ended it because it wasn’t right.

He is entitled to break up with you however he wanted. Some guys start fights. Some guys become disagreeable, belligerent or combative until the girl stops calling. Your boyfriend’s way was cowardly, but he has a right to end it in silence.

He may even have done you a favor. This didn’t lead to a marriage with complications that would haunt you for the rest of your life.

Neither Tamara nor I were raised to have a plan for our lives, but all children should be given some notion of how a good life works. How did dating a guy for seven years fit into the plan of your life?

Did you ever ask yourself, “Isn’t it time to be engaged?” Did you ever see yourself as someone married, with a home and a couple of kids? Or were you just dabbling at life?

Being a dabbler at life is a bus to nowhere. As Yoda said, “Do. Or do not. There is no try.” What you had was like a seven-year first date. There was no second date. He didn’t ask you out again. Though the woman may never know why, it isn’t wise to call and ask.

In the end it boils down to, you weren’t right for each other. In the end it boils down to, dabbling too long. In the end it boils down to, he wasn’t the right lid for your pot.

~ Wayne

Direct Answers
read more relationship advice from Wayne and Tamara

Direct Answers – Column for the week of July 24, 2017

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