Direct Answers – Only a Frog, Welcome to The Harem


Only a Frog

I fell in love with a man 15 years younger, and all the time he talked about a final destination, marriage and his willingness to accept me and my children.

Because of our differences in life experiences, I was committed to stay happy and keep things in the status quo until we knew this is what we want.

I observed how and where we are different, and on the top of my list was conflict resolution. We are poles apart. Most mornings he wakes up angry. In addition, I have my own home and two teenage children while he’s still with his parents. I am doing well in my career; he’s starting out.

So I said goodbye in an email, a mode chosen to avoid a scene and because he’s sticky and clingy. He replied the next day saying he had considered ending it based solely on constructing his own future.

In that moment, I was disappointed, but relieved the exit was mutual. It hurt but I wasn’t crushed. A day after we broke up, I received a speeding ticket. He had driven my car without a valid driver’s license. Speeding without a driver’s license! What was he thinking?

He brutally betrayed my trust. Name calling ensued, and we are no longer talking. Today I learned he’s back with his ex-girlfriend after only three weeks.

I’m angry it came to this but cannot find a reason to hate. I’m not sure whether to hope we come back together as friends, or hope our paths never cross. But I miss the camaraderie, banter, and time spent together.

So, was this love or not? Or more my objectives versus love? Is it the person or the company I’m missing?

~ Zoe

Zoe, managers are viewed two ways, as omnipotent or as symbolic. The first view holds managers responsible for all the successes and failures of an organization. They are like football coaches. Win or lose, it’s on the coach.

The second view holds that managers have only limited control over results because many factors—like the economy, competitors and government regulation—are beyond their control.

Love can be viewed the same way. Some women think I can twist him and turn him and manufacture this into love. Other women believe it’s beyond their control. They have to sit like a princess and wait for love to find them.

The answer is in between. It’s a level up from sitting on your hands and waiting for it, and several levels down from you can manufacture this.

It’s a place where you are learning new things, in the world, engaged with people, fulfilling your responsibilities, being open. That’s how your light is seen and you see the light in others.

This relationship was unique, but it wasn’t love. You got your youth back. You got to feel like a carefree teenager. But it didn’t work because with age came wisdom. You learned we can never go back.

Now be open to love, living your life the best you can so you attract someone who is right for you.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Welcome To The Harem

I’m a shy girl in high school, and I have a crush on this guy at school. I don’t know him but he’s showing signs he likes me. I’m not sure if I should be hopeful because he’s popular, handsome and has many female friends.

He likes to be called handsome. Sometimes he turns to look at me while chatting with them. Do I have a chance?

~ Cinamon

Cinamon, he lets all the girls think they are in a contest to win him. How do you think those girls feel when they swoon over him while he looks at you? What he has going for him is an outer package and a fan club. What you want is a one and only.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Column for The Week of September 9, 2013

Send letters to: [email protected] , or Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield MO 65801.

read more relationship advice


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here