In Name Only
When I was 18, I got pregnant. My boyfriend left me when I told him. Three years later I met someone I thought was nice and responsible.
I’m now 24. We got married a year ago. I did not want to get married but I said yes. I did not want to be a single parent and at the time I thought I loved him. He and my daughter are close, and I think that’s one thing that keeps me from leaving.
We both have good jobs, he earns more than me, but I take care of most of the household
expenses. He has never once bought my daughter a birthday or Christmas present, clothes or paid her school fees. When he is away, he never calls her.
Recently I wanted to get a bigger place so my daughter can play in a yard. I found one that is affordable but he does not want to move out of our cramped quarters. I can’t handle it. I am used to having my own space.
He has taken me on a date only once, the day we got engaged. We don’t go anywhere. I don’t have friends besides the people at work because I’m not allowed to go out. He is always worried about what I am doing, who I am with, yet I am always at home.
I think I married too young, married for the wrong reason and got married before I became independent or knew myself as a person.
I don’t enjoy my husband’s company, I don’t like paying for everything and I don’t like feeling alone.
Angel, marriage comes out of love. It is an extension of perfection. “I love you. I love you
perfectly. The only thing I could do to more perfectly love you is for us to become one.” In this perfect love two are one.
There are many reasons to marry, other than love. I’m pregnant. I need money. I want to be married. All my friends are getting married. Marriage is not for any of that.
You were looking for a solution to a problem and all you got was another problem. That’s what happens when people try to use marriage as a problem solver.
The first thing to do is resolve the duality in your letter. I loved him, but I didn’t want to marry him. He has a good income, but I pay for household expenses. He and my daughter are close, but he doesn’t support her.
What is he really? Your husband or your jailor?
If he is your jailor, the next thing to do is see a lawyer, without letting him know you are seeing a lawyer. Whether you think he may be violent or not, you need to treat him as if he will be. You need a plan both to divorce him and to escape from him.
His true position toward your daughter is that he will not pay for another man’s child. His true position toward you is that he doesn’t trust you and wants to control you.
You need to remove the dualities and confess to yourself that you made a mistake. You were feeling the burden of yourself and your daughter and you thought he would help. He is no help at all.
Your daughter is six. Perhaps she will understand now or perhaps she will understand when she is a little older. “I married the wrong man.” If you married a pauper you loved, a pauper who loved you and your daughter, you would not be writing us now.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara – Column for the week of November 28, 2016
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