Direct Answers – Irreconcilable Differences


I don’t know where to start. I’m meant to be getting married in six days. My fiancé and I have been together three years, and in that time we’ve only had sex twice. Yes, twice. Despite this, he cheated on me a year ago. He says it was a moment of madness and he gets a mental block when it comes to having sex with me.

He’s also the most unaffectionate person I’ve met in my life. Other than that we get on well. We like most of the same things. We have a beautiful house, good jobs and lots of friends and family.

Yet I am utterly miserable. The wedding is six days away, everything is paid for, everyone is buzzing about. I couldn’t care less. I tried to call it off a couple of times, but rather than being understanding, my partner just said, “Make up your mind.”

I understand where he is coming from, but all I wanted was his blessing to postpone it, which I obviously don’t have. I had my hen party, plastering on a fake smile, pretending everything is fine, but in reality I feel panic and dread.

In a moment of madness I ran away for two days, telling everyone I was at my mother’s and it was a planned trip. In reality I was with a male friend. We ended up making love the entire two days. That was the end of it. What happened there stays there.

Now I feel I’m the worst person in the world. I am disappointed in myself for cheating. At the same time I’m happy someone wanted my body as well as my personality.

The lack of affection has killed me inside. This wedding is the last thing on earth I want, but I’m scared of the reaction from his family, my family and our friends. They think we are blissfully happy.

~ Audrey

Audrey, the third parties involved—the party-goers, the families, the friends—don’t matter. They are not a reason to go through with the wedding.

Yet in a way, they do matter. No one who cares about you would advise anything but, Call off the wedding. There is an ocean of privacy in a relationship, but the issue here isn’t privacy. It is concealment. You concealed that there is no healthy amount of affection between the two of you.

If you marry against the advice of everyone who cares about you, you will go against your own direct knowledge and your whole emotional structure. This wedding is so alien to what you crave, you thought only the humiliation of cancelling at the eleventh hour could make you stomach a ceremony. But even your stomach rebels.

You are the only one with a clear head, and the knowledge, to stop this. So now you have to decide how to do it.

Collect the few nearest and dearest to you. The people you trust the most. Tell them the truth. Label it. Own it. End it.

Ask them, what do I need to do to stop the wedding? Decide on an explanation such as, I got cold feet or I changed my mind.

The people closest to you will be upset only if they think you have a normal relationship. Knowing the truth, they will be on your side.

Marriage requires a high element of romantic love. When the affection is overwhelming, people marry. Marriage isn’t for two people who have everything but love. You can’t say you love a man who shows you no affection. You can’t say you love him unless you mean as a brother, as a friend or as you love all mankind.

You need to end this relationship to get healthy. People can’t live a lie. They think they can, but they can’t. When you do eventually find love and get married, it will be the best day of your life.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Column for the week of August 18, 2014

Send letters to: [email protected] , or Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield MO 65801.


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