I’ve been talking to this guy for eight months. Along the path I started developing feelings. When I told him about my feelings, he said he doesn’t want a relationship right now. I told him I understood, then drifted away to see if he would question my absence.
Later I asked if he wanted to go with me to his school dance, because I didn’t know anyone there. To avoid people thinking we were a couple, he politely said no.
That night he was with a new girl. I casually glanced as he laughed with his date and had his arm around her. We ended up speaking, but not for long, as he claimed he was getting a sarcastic vibe from me.
His birthday was at the end of August, and he and his friends threw a house party. I went and we kissed. I was all kinds of happy because I never imagined kissing this guy. After that we talked every day on FaceTime audio, sometimes until dawn.
My feelings grew. When I brought up my feelings, he said he’s not ready for a serious relationship right now. He just wants to enjoy life. I compared myself to that, but I want my next relationship to be him. I never told him that, though.
Coming onto the end of September everything changed. He stopped messaging. Some days I didn’t hear from him all day, and I got worried. When I did hear from him, I told him not to keep me anxious. When I asked if I was too pushy, he said I’m not and he would tell me if I was.
Now, things are worse. He went to the movies with someone else. When I asked who, he said a friend. Immediately I knew it was a girl. After his birthday I really thought we would be just about each other. Maybe I was wrong.
After our first FaceTime, I felt like I found my soul mate. Never mind that I’m so young.
Genevieve, a couple of days ago, we saw a selfie of a man and a woman on Reddit. The man is sitting in a chair and the woman is behind him with her arms crossed. The caption on the photo is, “She dragged me here against my will, now she’s mad because I’m not happy about it.”You have a fantasy in your head about this guy that has nothing to do with him. You are applying your fantasy to his pretty package. Who will get her heart hurt? You, because that doesn’t work.
Sometimes the best way to understand a situation is by reversing it. Imagine this. You don’t like a boy, but he writes us asking how to make you his girlfriend. Should we tell him that what you want doesn’t matter? Should we tell him you have to accept his unwanted advances?
The plain fact is you want him against his will. That’s not love. Though it is a form of attraction, it is selfish. You must think you have more rights than he does.
We sometimes get letters from women who pursued a man until he gave in. In time, the woman writes saying, “Poor me. He isn’t doing everything I want.” At that point the woman wants to punish the man, ruin him, and leave him.
You will have a disappointing life if you don’t stop thinking you have a right to other people’s lives. Stop hounding him. Allow what happens naturally to happen naturally.
~ Wayne & Tamara
Direct Answers Column for the week of November 19, 2018