I have a huge question. I’ve been with my current boyfriend a little over two years. Everything is great. In the future, we talked about moving in, getting married, having kids, and being together for the rest of our lives.
The thing is, he doesn’t make me feel the way he did when we first met. There are no more sparks between us. He is a great guy and I love him so much, but now I am involved in a real love triangle.
I met this other male, via the internet, and we are now desperately in love with each other. The thing is, he lives on one side of the country and I live on the other. We haven’t met, but we talk all the time. He makes me feel great, and he wants to be with me. Is he only a dream, or is he real?
This love triangle has been going on almost a year. The new man feels the same way about me as my current boyfriend, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I’m thinking of leaving my boyfriend to be with him. But I have the best relationship with my boyfriend and can’t imagine life without him.
On the other hand, I’m starting to think this new guy can offer me “sparks” for a lifetime. The men don’t know each other, and I feel really bad. I need to decide who to choose—my life, which is my boyfriend, or my dream, which is the other male. But I need to be realistic. My life is here with my boyfriend, and what if the other male is only a dream.
Luanne, in the first paragraph of your letter, you paint a rosy picture of a young couple, very much in love, ready to start a family. Your boyfriend doesn’t know that’s a lie, but you do.
What he doesn’t know is that you are manipulating him into feeling something you don’t feel. You ask if your infatuation with the new man will wear off. That’s an admission your feelings for both men are insubstantial and fleeting.
You are chasing the spark of newness, the initial high of dating. You don’t feel the deeper, more substantial feeling of love. How could you do this to your boyfriend if you loved him?
In some old movies, there is a scene where a cowboy tries to drag a horse out of a burning barn. Because the animal is panicked, the cowboy must use any means necessary to save its life. That’s what we are going to do to you. We are going to say something unflattering, something harsh, because you can’t hear what you told us.
In the fairy tale Snow White, an evil queen disguises herself as an old woman and offers a poisoned apple to Snow White, which she innocently accepts. That sounds like what you are doing with these men. Offering them poisoned apples.
You put us in a predicament. Who do we save? The man you are with, or the man you are cheating with? Or do we try to save you?
If you have any hope for a decent, non-chaotic life, stop lying to yourself and others. You deceived one man for a year. The other man is a fantasy. You will have a painful life if we can’t get you out of the barn of lies and self-deception.
Column for June 10, 2019
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Wayne & Tamara answer as many letters as they possibly can.