I dated Troy for three months and a great three months it was. We talked daily and saw each other an average of five times a week. We talked, made each other laugh, and never argued or fought.

He made plans with me and told me how happy he was. Two days before he dumped me, he was tucking me in bed, kissing my hand, and telling me he would miss me, as he left for work.

We talked on the phone the next two days and all seemed fine. I returned his call on the third day, and he seemed distant. I asked if everything was all right. He said, “Yes.” I said, “You would tell me if something was wrong, right?” He assured me everything was fine.

I let it go until I received an email from him saying he was tired of being a “crappy” boyfriend. I called him and questioned where that came from. I told him he wasn’t. He said he felt he was and didn’t want to “blow things.” I said, “Blow what?” He replied, “Giving up the best thing in my life.” I replied, “Then don’t.”

Before I knew it, I was dumped. He cried and I cried, and he said he was sorry. I let him go. I am still lost and sad. It has been three months. I contacted him once by email, just to say hi and I’m thinking of you. No response.

I don’t understand how, after being so close and intimate with this man, he can treat me as less than a stranger. I have so many questions and no answers. I want to know how something so good for both of us could end so quickly with no explanation.

This is not getting any easier, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. What should I do? Any advice besides, forget it?

~ Yvette

Yvette, if you wrote an advice column, you would see that many letters fall into basic patterns. One of the patterns is “OMG, What was I thinking!” Though written by adults, these letters sound like the wild escapades of teenagers.Other letters are permission letters. These letters are from people who want permission to do what they are going to do. They explain their reasons, and the history, and they want agreement.

Your letter fits a third category: the hand-tie letter. You tied our hands. The one thing you don’t want to hear is, forget it. Well, we have some advice for you. Forget it.

You were in a 90-day relationship, like the probationary period for an employee. For one party it didn’t work. What could have happened that was so wildly perfect in your mind that it outweighs being dumped?

You were in a different relationship than he was. That smacks of infatuation and newness, not the foundation for a long-term relationship. It’s the overblown new stuff, the whirlwind nonsense, where neither person is acting like themselves.

He did it perfectly. He let you down easy. It’s not you, it’s me, he said. It’s not negotiable. Finito, finis, roll the credits. Did he need to be cruel to make you understand? If you dragged him back into a relationship, you would live with the knowledge he might do this again.

Blow out the torch you are carrying. Don’t advertise neediness by pursuing him. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, just not at the end of this tunnel.

Wayne & Tamara

 

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