Sandi, last week you told us you are 31, in a male-dominated industry, and can’t find a man. You attribute this, in part, to having a pixieish build. Your girlfriends have babies and homes, and you feel left out.
When you look at all the relationship recipe books, you find them useless. We surmise that’s because you don’t have the ingredients these authors need to concoct their brew. Which is being fake, being false, and being untrue to yourself.
Instead of focusing on ingredients you don’t have in abundance, focus on what you have by the bushelful: health and intelligence. Health and intelligence are the building blocks of life. They make all things possible.
You know you’re a great catch. That is the foundation of confidence. Who is the villain in your story, the adversary of your confidence? What others think of you. You don’t feel womanly because you think others don’t think you are womanly.
Concern about what others think is what you must discard from your recipe book. Chuck it in the bin.
We come in all shapes and sizes. Often, because of others, we are made to feel lacking or inferior. Often, this is about things we have no power to alter. So focus on what you have. Focus on your own happiness and interests.
Your friendships are worth the effort to maintain, because the life you live today may not be the life you live next week, next month, or next year. Just because you aren’t in the same place as your girlfriends today does not mean those friendships are not worth the effort. And the same is true of them. Their lives may change. Those attachments are important.
Now you feel out of sync with them. They are doing something you would like to do, they are doing it first, and you don’t know if or when you will be doing it, too. But there is a positive. For them, you could be their girls’ night out escape. For you, they are an entrée to what may come next in your life.
You are on the precipice of what you cannot see. You are in school, working part-time in a field you love, about to go full time. You are opening one door and closing another. You are about to step out of school and into your profession.
Perhaps you have unacknowledged feelings of “I’m alone, on my own, trying to do this.” Perhaps you think it might be easier if you had someone, but you are all you need, right now, in this moment.
There are many times in our lives, more times than we want to admit, when we must boldly go where no man has gone before. Or at least it seems that way. Leap and the net will appear. Even when we don’t feel confident, we must go forward with confidence.
The world-renowned chef Julia Child blazed a trail because there was no path before her.
One thing we can tell you for certain. You will not have the life for you, if you are not yourself. Cast off what other people want, suggest, or do, because no matter what put-ons, tips, or false faces they talk you into, eventually you will come back to yourself.
And it will be you who must deal with the mess fakery gets you into. And it will be you who never deals with that mess, if you never go there.
Many times in your letter, you demonstrate self-confidence. Yet you let it be blown away, like so much flour on a countertop, when you worry about what others may think.
If clothes make the man, then that man can’t take off the clothes. But confidence in your own skin will always suit you.
Column for the week of January 6, 2020
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